tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80191575742005971422024-03-13T14:22:35.509-07:00Dead LettersA letter written to one, is written to all.
I write these letters knowing Andrea will never read them. I put them in an envelope and tuck them under my pillow, hoping I will meet her again in a dream and deliver their contents.
Copyright © 2011Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-60886409186395920822012-05-12T08:59:00.000-07:002012-05-12T08:59:56.100-07:00Heart Break<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TUw82EmaDMs/T66IqapFr0I/AAAAAAAAANo/cQyle7HnJsY/s1600/CIMG0718.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TUw82EmaDMs/T66IqapFr0I/AAAAAAAAANo/cQyle7HnJsY/s320/CIMG0718.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">May 11, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Last night when I kissed my dad on the cheek I promised I’d drop by tonight or in the morning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Shery, I HAVE NOT blocked you from seeing your dad the SW did. I just wanted you to know that your dad wants to see you, but you have to speak with the social worker at the rehab. as well. I can't change it. Your dad knows NOTHING of what has happend since April 9 2010. He remembers nothing, If you want to see him make a appointment to see the SW and then you can see your dad.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Your dad wanted to know how you and I have gotten along. I told him that you and I have had a rough time, but we have gotten through it. Because it is not about you or me but it is getting your dad home. When you do see your dad after seeing the SW the only thing that he needs is happy positive thoughts because for the next 2 months he could have a major coranary or stroke...your dad has signed a DNR. I am sorry that it has worked out the way it has.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sent May 10, 2012 from me via text message.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I would like to see my dad this afternoon around 3 or 4 this afternoon by myself.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I talked to the Social Worker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no requirement I meet with her at the rehab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad did want to see me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Response May 10, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Your dads medical condition is still very fragile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are welcome to come and see him but I will not be leaving his side.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sent May 10, 2012 from me via text message</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then we can have a talk w social wker and staff when I get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not subject myself to any further emotional physical or verbal abuse by you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You hanging up on me during a simple phone call proves that I am not safe from you animosity towards me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Response May 10, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I will still not be leaving his side and I will not allow you to do anything else to put him in jeopardy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My therapist tells me, “You did not marry her, your dad did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too bad he<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>has made so many poor choices in terms of his kids.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I take another Lorazepam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">If I take two I cannot drive.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What do you make of all of this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have choices.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can subject myself to fights of will over seeing my dad, whether my visits have to be supervised or not, what I can and cannot talk to him about, what I can and cannot bring him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can subject myself to the further possibility of physical and verbal abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can subject my dad to the hatred that vibrates the walls of his room—I have become the focus of all of his wife’s anger and frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I choose to let it all go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And wait.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad will get better.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Or he won’t.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad made his choice of partners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the end, she will be the director of his final days, whenever those may be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So far, in these days when he has been as close to death as anyone, three of his daughters have been driven away.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But she’s in charge, and damn it, everyone better fall in line with that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No compromise, no consultation, no information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t talk to the doctors, don’t talk to the nurses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need your advise,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve managed to get along these 40+ years, what makes you think I need your help now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“I will not allow you to do anything else to put him in jeopardy.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Do you know what she is talking about?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cause I sure don’t.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</style> <![endif]--> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">If you get any insights let me know.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you--Mom</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-73557164619065853892012-05-12T08:23:00.001-07:002012-05-12T09:01:42.847-07:00Living Mothers Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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</style> <![endif]--> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NT2rtPsUoyc/T66FAwdQ1aI/AAAAAAAAANY/iB8VlgbmEtQ/s1600/K7A2734D72CB67_1000025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NT2rtPsUoyc/T66FAwdQ1aI/AAAAAAAAANY/iB8VlgbmEtQ/s320/K7A2734D72CB67_1000025.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">May 12, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your sister sent me a Mother’s Day card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the first in many years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bought myself a bouquet of pink roses from you and put her card in front of it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Happy Mother’s Day to me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tomorrow.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Aunt Karen called me earlier this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We are going to Tillicum Village for a salmon bake on Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Want to go with us.?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Us” being your cousins Lisa and Ryan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lisa’s kids, Tanner, Alicia and baby Annalise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Annalise you have not met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“We take a boat to Blake Island for a fun filled day.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“A boat to Blake Island for a fun filled day?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Yep.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Count me in.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This morning my heart was beating funny in my chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does that sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought “What if this is my last morning, my last afternoon, my last evening?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Do you know how when someone asks you a question you really have to think about it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are shocked at the frankness of the question?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to spend a few moments with the question?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I did not want to answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I did not want to accept the implication.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Taking a deep breath, willing my heart to find its rhythm, a thought rises up in me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Answer the question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be the question.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Live the question.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hug my pillow around my head as the tears fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">First, I must take a moment to mourn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn my childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn the mother I never had. Mourn the years of adulthood that I lost fighting for survival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn the years I spent in marriages that kept me down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn the death of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn your sister’s anger and estrangement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mourn my father and that I cannot be with him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nested in my bed, my home, sun shining through the blinds, birds chirping over morning seed the question persists.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What if this is my last morning, my last afternoon, my last evening?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What if?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">First I let the tears finish falling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Accept the grace of feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let myself linger there until I have had enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sadie, laying next to me, shifts her weight against me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is a day of sunshine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A day for planting seeds and seedlings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For watering things that will grow, provide color, a place for butterflies, birds, bunnies, and a little tree frog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a day to build cages around new growth, allowing it every chance of survival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is a day I will plant things that will nourish me through fall and winter.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I bought my dad a Martha Stewart Contour Pillow for his neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hospital pillows and the pillows at the rehab center are like hard stones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">On Friday I asked him, “Are those pillows uncomfortable for you dad?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Yes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Would you like me to bring you one more comfortable?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“That would be nice.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He smiled.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">After I finish planting, I will drop the pillow off to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know his wife will go ballistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot help that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have not interfered with her relationship with my father. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is his wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Why is she interfering with my relationship with him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am his daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot ponder questions that have no answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But this “what if”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It speaks of possibilities.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My tears water seedlings of change, of choice, of mindfulness this mourning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mourning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Morning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I’m about to come alive.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can’t cry hard enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My life is brilliant this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because I am going to spend the day living.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What if.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you baby girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart is full of you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-58350911305114661502012-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:002012-05-11T19:55:23.313-07:00Spiraling<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2PfeN4P2ipk/T63QqxdwuqI/AAAAAAAAAMM/l9CfB6QQUm8/s1600/CIMG0867.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2PfeN4P2ipk/T63QqxdwuqI/AAAAAAAAAMM/l9CfB6QQUm8/s320/CIMG0867.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">May 5, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Spiraling</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Falling</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Trying to catch</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Myself</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Grab </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">for branches</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hope </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">for a safe landing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The wind has been knocked out of me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Breathe again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It may feel like white hot briquettes are being fanned in your chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My heavy chest rises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deeper this time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve is talking to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to focus on the words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dinosaurs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bugging you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the back of your mind.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Hey kid.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sound of snapped fingers, I am back to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look up, meet his eyes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Yes?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I linger on the word, melt it from my mouth.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You o.k.?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I am.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that one moment I am certain of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am fully aware of o.k.ness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve smiles, goes back to the orchestra of sound he creates in the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teaspoons dropping on each other in a drawer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oatmeal transferred from the cardboard Quaker Oats box into a plastic container.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The whisper of a cotton dishtowel over a porcelain plate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Water running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sound of the tomato flesh giving way to serrated blade.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Crushing the Quaker Oat box, Steve comments “130 years and counting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s cool…………..Way Cool.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am 57 and counting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Lately I’ve been hearing you, a little voice inside of me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I miss you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I miss you too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And I write to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because you always understood, understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a mother tongue mine, to yours.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Today is Saturday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not seen my dad for two weeks and one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Yesterday, a text.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sherry, Dad would really like a visit from you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Charge nurse said make your appointment with the social worker right away so you may do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh need to tell, still NO outside foods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t want you to bring something all the way from and be told no by the nurses or docs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So make that appointment, have that meeting and go to go to visiting. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can’t do crazy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It took me years to separate from it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">To shield you and your sister from it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But did I really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shield you from it?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My past so much a part of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Always driving me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Away. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Even in my dreams, I was not safe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It was hard to see, experience the world around me as I gathered speed for lift off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My focus always forward, on some point perceived better than where I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I thought motherhood would come naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instinctively. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The instinct I felt was a fierce need to protect and love you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was in my heart I knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rest I had to learn.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Did my mom ever feel the fierce need to protect and love me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t remember. She died five years ago, and I can’t ask her. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A question haunted me months after your death, did you know how much I love you, loved you from that first moment I knew your cells were dividing, creating you in my womb?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You should have an abortion.” You yelled at me before you died two months later.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You never wanted me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You sobbed at me through the phone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Where ever would you get that idea?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked—core melting down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I chose to have you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never wanted anything more than to hold you in my arms and see your little face.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I chose to have you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Gathering speed for lift off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hoping instinct was enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Weaning you from my breast when you were two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holding your hand crossing the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making sure your vaccinations were current.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeding you, bathing you, clothing you, reading you stories, teaching you, teaching you, teaching you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">All the time learning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My focus on points ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lifting off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to pay attention to you and Erin.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Montessori, Head Start, Girl Scouts, Blue Birds, Seattle Girls Choir, Dance Lessons, Ski Lessons, Summer Camps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Disney World, Disney Land, Disney Cruises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cabbage Patch Dolls, My Little Pony, Barbie Dolls and Barbie Clothes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The first time I left you at a daycare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled out of the parking lot, you at the window lifting a blade of the venetian blind, sobbing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could see you calling for me—“Mommy” as a hand appeared, pulling you from the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were two.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I made it up as I went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mothering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With no experiences I wanted draw on. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You and your sister expecting me to know, to be an expert.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me trying to be mother, father, grandma, grandpa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Filling in all the blank spaces left behind. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have not seen my dad for two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The grandpa you did not know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The father I ran away to Remann Hall to get away from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The father I reconciled with and grew close to in these later years for both of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgiveness has as been as good for me as it was for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span>Sherry, your dad would really like a visit from you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am tentative about walking back into crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can’t do crazy anymore.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And now I have a choice.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you—thanks for watching over me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-1878379627283823062012-04-26T20:49:00.000-07:002012-04-26T20:54:03.154-07:00Choosing<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 26, 2012</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stella sits on the end of the dining room table. She is guarding the papers pulled from the three file boxes in the garage. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And intermittently watching birds that pass through my backyard. Every once in awhile a small gray bunny visits. Sadie is laying next to me. Her presence constant, quiet. Every so often she stands, puts her head on my thigh and looks up at me with her round brown eyes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve said to me last night “I’ve been meaning to remark on something.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I hope you won’t take offence.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Tell me.” I am insistant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You know how they say people start looking like their dogs….”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You think I look like Sadie?” I ask.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Well you have to admit, there is something in the eyes.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I take no offense. I love Sadie. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Chaos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am trying to make some order of your old school papers, my marriage licenses, my decrees of dissolution, my juvenile court reports, photographs, journals.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">One day this would have all been left to you and your sister to sort out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Instead it is me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Trying to piece together a past. Create for you some sort of narrative of our history.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Most of my writing is undated. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In a Harvard Law School spiral bound notebook there are 80 pages of 16 pound paper. The notebook cost me $1.55. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There are lists, random thoughts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">My backpack is always a mess. Notes on napkins, elementary school—day care notices, an empty fun fruits package. Crayons mixed with fountain pens.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Poems.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> My heart</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> drowning in this sea of tears</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> I reach out for you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> and touch the night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nothing is dated. I think this journal is from my third year of law school, and right after I graduated from Harvard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Another note—</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">My childhood hits me the hardest when as a parent I realize what I’m willing to do for my children. Absence of mother and father willing and able to provide for me echoes inside the hollow places their absence has left.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My childhood hits me hardest…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We both know what hits me hardest now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Closing my eyes, I breathe deep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My childhood hits me hardest. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I dodge an iron thrown at me by my stepmother, a teakettle full of water from the stove.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hear the silent scream inside myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This note in purple pen, set off by itself in the middle of the page--Discipline has been used as a shield for maltreatment of children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">From age 12 on, suicide seemed a plausible escape from broken blood vessels that pooled into bruises where skin met palm, met fist, met leather, from “your are trouble—you never will amount to anything—flat chested—fat assed—whore like your mother,there is a spot on this plate, take all the dishes, pots, pans from the cupboards, wash, dry, put them back—you have 45 minutes to finish—if you aren’t done, if there is a spot on anything—the belt. I was hungry. There is nothing to eat. There was no place that is safe. There was no love. There was plenty of hate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I had to get away from this.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have to get away </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What held me back?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do not know.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Twelve years old, standing in the coal bin in the basement, light filtering around the outline of the closed chute with a knife, trying to cut my wrists. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">They would realize how bad they treated me when I was gone. Then they’d be sorry.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The knife was dull.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Fourteen, swallowing 10 baby aspirin, crawling into bed, terrified of dying from the overdose, too emotionally broken down to live.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Later it was you, you and Erin that held me back.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">When I was 27 years old, I sat on the edge of the bed with a fistful of sleeping pills in one hand, a glass of water in the other. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> January 1983. A few weeks earlier, we celebrated your first Christmas, and then your first</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">birthday. You slept on my bed, curled up, legs tucked up under your tummy, clutching your white teddy bear under one arm. I watched you as you lay there, holding back my tears. I had given life everything I had to offer. There was nothing else to give. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I walked into the bathroom, opened the medicine chest, surveyed its contents. Should I take the bottle of sleeping pills? Should I take the bottle of pain pills? Or should I take both? I wanted to end my life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I reached for the bottle of sleeping pills, opened the white childproof lid. I dumped them into the palm of my left hand, curling my fingers around them. Taking the glass sitting by the toothbrushes on the side of the sink, I filled it full of water. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I walked to my bed where you were sleeping and sat down on the edge. I opened my left hand and began counting the number of pills. There were twenty-three. Twenty-three small white tablets. All I had to do was put them in my mouth wash, them down. Then, I would curl up on the bed next to you and go to sleep. For the last time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> But what would be left for you? Who would take care of you? You would be an orphan. If you were lucky, somebody would adopt you. But, could they have that same fierce love for you that pierced my very existence? For nine months I carried you under my heart. Then, at first sight, you moved into it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is what I thought of as I sat there, looking at the pattern the sleeping pills made in the palm of my hand. I did not really want to die. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wanted my life to change.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hated standing in food bank lines at the end of the month for enough groceries to get through until the next month’s food stamps and welfare check came in. I could not stay in another relationship where one minute I was adored, in the next foul names and inanimate objects were flying at me. Where I was bullied and pushed around the house because I forgot to buy toilet paper--or because dinner wasn't ready on time. There was no more that I could take and I had nothing left to give. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> Sitting there on the edge of the bed, sleeping pills in hand, I began to see your life and play out before me. What a thing for you to bear in life, a mother you would never know. You were not even walking yet. I would not witness your first faltering steps from coffee-table to couch to chair and across the room where I knelt with open arms to catch you. Who would read you Mercer Mayer books and Dr. Seuss? Who would be there when you got up on the seat of a bicycle and wobbled on the sidewalk after the training wheels were taken off? Who would be there for your first day of kindergarten, your first day of junior high, your first date, when you graduated from high school, when you got your first driver's license, your first prom, your wedding, your babies, all of the important events of your life? Who would guide you and protect you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> There could never be anybody that would love you as much as I. Never.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> I got up from the edge of the bed. I walked to the bathroom, opened the toilet lid, and dropped the sleeping pills into the bowl. I put the glass of water on the side of the sink. Walking back into the bedroom, I went to the bed and crawled in. I molded myself around you. When the tears came, I cried until I fell asleep. I dreamt about the past.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> And then, I dreamt about the future.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I chose this future.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Well, maybe not all of it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I constantly remind myself of that. I have a choice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I choose to only think of living now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And how much I miss I’ll miss it when I am gone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It has been a long day. Sadie is still sleeping her beside me. Stella has left the dining room table. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is almost bed time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you Andie—</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></div>
Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-64418519572273658602012-04-25T20:44:00.000-07:002012-04-25T20:44:50.918-07:00<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 24, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You can’t remember writing these, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Weekend News</u></b>, by Andrea. </span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad remains in the Critical Coronary Care Unit at TG.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I won't go back. I don't do crazy very well anymore.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So, I start the slow process of sifting through the legal size boxes in my garage. The ones I found in your storage unit last summer. The ones that smell of mice, mildew and aging ink.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I pull out a handful of files, a red binder with your school work. I work on piecing together our history. Yours and mine.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Andrea</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">9/19/88</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1988, you were 6 years, 9 months. You were learning penmanship, spelling, story telling. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sunday I woke up and played inside and then I Went to Sunday School then came home and played outside and had my onw club And went inand ate dinner and took a bath and Went to bed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Andrea</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the same folder, one line written by me on a pink sheet of notebook paper in that same year, 1988, my second year of law school. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“In my family, the poverty and abuse stops here.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A folder marked <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Welfare</u></b>, full of Recipient Information, Action Requests, Planned Action Notices, Requests for Fair Hearing, an old Medical Coupon.</span><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1984 I was a welfare mother. Had been for a few years. No child care. No child support. No job skills. Minimum wage jobs. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In January 1984, you’d just turned 2. I walked onto the University of Washington campus for my first day of classes. I was pushing you in front of me in your fold up stroller. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Recipient Information or Action Request</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">3-22-84</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You must register with the Work Incentive Program (WIN) since you are out of the home on a regular basis while in school. Please take enclosed registration form to the WIN Unit for completion at time of interview. Call 872-6310 for an appointment for interview with WIN Worker.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Please register before 4-3-84 to avoid having your 5/84 warrant held.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Notice of Planned Action</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">April 2, 1984</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">To date, we have not received verification that you have registered with WIN. As you are a full time student, you are a mandatory registrant for WIN. As such, your needs to be deleted from the grant, and grant will be just for the two children. Please supply verification of registration by 4-12-84 to avoid being deleted from the grant.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Recipient Information or Action Request</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">April 27, 1984</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Hurrah! Hurrah! WIN now has a way to register people like you and put them in a special status so they can go to school even tho’ the program exceeds one year and not to re required to actively seek work while they are attempting to better themselves. SO if you get registered with WIN and put in the special status you can continue your education and be on assistance also.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Recipient Information or Action Request</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">February 26, 1985</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When you began working last fall WIN somehow got the idea you were employed full time and off assistance. Therefore they deregistered you from WIN. This is in error. You should’ve remained registered with them but in “student status” if possible. Call WIN at 872-6310 make an appointment to re register and take enclosed form EMS 587 to the appointment. Since you are a full time student, as defined by the school you attend, you can NOT be exempt as the primary caretaker of child(ren) under age 6.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You can't be exempt. That meant I had to quit school. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">With laser focus, I was going to school. Nothing was going to stop me. It was my only way out, my children's only way out of a past that continued to grab at my ankles, hold me up, trip me up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sister Kathy remarked I am only where I am today "because I worked the system." Got something for free.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is easier to believe in that than to believe someone can get someplace by working hard, never losing focus and something others call luck--I call synchronicity. Taking risks. Putting yourself out there and having faith it will work out. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A Notice of Award and Acceptance from the University of Washington. Autumn, Winter, Spring 1984-1985.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">College Work Study 2400</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Univ Tuition Exemption 1308</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">National Direct Student Loan 1100</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Suggested Guaranteed Student Loan 2500</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Estimated Pell Grant 1675</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">DAWN NEWSLETTER</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> MAY 1987</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Domestic Abuse Women’s Network. DAWN.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">HARVARD BOUND</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">(see Page 4)</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Page 4</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * * *CONGRATULATIONS!!* * * * *</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">To Sherry C. for getting accepted to Harvard Law School. Sherry has worked long and hard to achieve this goal.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sherry has been a DAWN Volunteer for 3 years. She attended the U of W (graduating in 3 ½ years!), served as Chairwoman for the Office of Minority Affairs Student Advisory Board, and was student representative on the ASUW Child Care Advisory Committee…AND she has two daughters Erin 11 and Andrea 5.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We are proud to have had Sherry as a DAWN Volunteer and will certainly miss her. We know she will be very successful at Harvard and we are in full support of her next goal after graduation from Harvard – “I’d like to become the first woman President.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sherry, CONGRATULATIONS – and thank you for all you’ve done for DAWN.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In 1987 I had dreams of being the first woman president. You wanted to become the Tooth Fairy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you Andie.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-69178115038418196892012-04-24T18:32:00.000-07:002012-04-24T18:32:28.253-07:00Falling<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1E_RqeKgDrQ/T5dT8OK_76I/AAAAAAAAAL4/MCx1C4ER_qw/s1600/Crazy+Hair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1E_RqeKgDrQ/T5dT8OK_76I/AAAAAAAAAL4/MCx1C4ER_qw/s320/Crazy+Hair.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 21, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I dreamed you last night. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Singing in the front row of a choir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your hair was still long, pulled back in a pony tail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were 8 or 9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Seeing you, I held my breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You turned your head to me, your eyes met mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You stopped singing for a moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smiled.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I dreamed Andrea last night.” I told Steve as I came down the stairs this morning to the smell of brewed coffee.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I know you were dreaming something.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You were making all kinds of sad noises.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I am really sad this morning.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’m sorry baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What can I do to make it feel better?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What can anyone do to make this all better?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A bandaid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kiss the owie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An ice pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A heating bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An ace bandage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cast.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My pain is on the inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where it can not be seen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where I need to let my mind work on it, my heart heal.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I felt pure joy looking into your eyes for that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seeing your smile.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And then the pain of letting go again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In my dream, you were about the same age I was when my Dad met Willa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Willa hated me the first moment she saw me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was too bossy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too big for my britches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was a perceived threat to her oldest daughter, Linda Jean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad’s oldest child, her oldest child.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was a matter of survival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crawling out the window of the bedroom my own mother had locked us five kids in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roaming the streets of High Point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shoplifting penny candy when the clerk turned her head the other way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Testing my neighbors’ houses for unlocked doors, sneaking in to raid their refrigerators, their cupboards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cupboards at my house were bare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hiding my bruises from fights with neighbor kids who taunted me, and when my crying wasn’t enough, kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair and spit on me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Linda Jean and I were in the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arguing like sisters over something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Linda picked up a knife, waved it threateningly towards me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grabbed a pair of scissors from the counter in front of me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Willa walked in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Took the scissors from me, and began punching me, hitting me, kicking me until I peed my pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she grew tired of hitting me, she grabbed me by the hair, dragged me though the dining room and living room threw me outside, slammed the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your father will deal with you when he gets home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I sat on the grass, my back against the telephone pole, smelling the wet urine drying, evaporating, the smell concentrating.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The smell of injustice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The smell of powerlessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The smell of fear.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Your father will deal with you when he gets home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My father did not get home til supper time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I sat out there the whole day, my back against the telephone pole, peeing myself because I was not allowed inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hungry, because I was not fed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Terrified of my Dad coming home.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad, his black belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Summary punishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No chance to explain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The sharp sound of the belt as it met my skin—Thwack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thwack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“must never”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thwack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“point a pair of sharp scissors”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thwack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“at anyone.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thwack, thwack, thwack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I held my tears as long as I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do not know what hurt worse, the belting or the fact I felt I had done nothing wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was defending myself.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Wait til your father gets home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Every day I walked home from grade school at Holy Cross Elementary, thinking “If Jesus could die on the cross for me, I can bear these beatings.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Wait til your father gets home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Walking home from Holy Cross Elementary, my bruises stinging under my crisp white blouse, my plaid uniform jumper.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Humpty Dumpty is sitting on the wall built around my past.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Humpty Dumpty is trying to not to fall, to get pushed in to all the inner walls contain.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Teeters on the edge.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men………”</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Do you have any idea how much strength it takes for a 16 year old to take herself to, turn herself into the juvenile detention center to get away from home?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My therapist asked me this question.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“How much strength it took to get from where you were to where you are now?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am sitting on the couch, kiddy cornered to her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My body knows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind does not want to remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wants to just keep progressing forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I get drawn back in.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And I am about to fall off the wall.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Adversity has not made me stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has made me tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Two weeks before his heart attack, my Dad called me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I need to talk to you and Linda and Karen.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Dad, I’m in the middle of a crisis here, my house is torn up from water damage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can this wait until I can catch my breath?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’d like to do this soon.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Just let me know when and where.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll be there.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sister, Karen is ambivalent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Linda does not want to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She does not want to hear excuses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are none.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There is only what happened.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What’s the harm, Linda?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s hear what he wants to say. Karen and I will be there.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We all agreed to meet on April 3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>6 p.m. at his house.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 3, 6 p.m. Dad was in a four bed ward at Madigan waiting for heart surgery. </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am in hibernation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Staring blankly at the wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to hit the delete button.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Delete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Delete. Delete.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can’t find the places all the memory is hiding in my computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It will never be fully deleted.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Standing at the sink, Steve came up behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put his arms around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“This is tearing you up, Babe.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“It is.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“It’s just like on an airplane.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“An airplane?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are you talking about?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Oxygen mask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to put yours on first before you can help anyone else.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve explained.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My therapist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You have no reserves.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I used to be strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be able to handle anything.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You have no reserves.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She is right. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Since you died, I have no reserves.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And then you came to me in a dream this morning smiling.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I put on my oxygen mask and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you baby girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-55436283304777846112012-04-21T08:07:00.000-07:002012-04-21T08:07:49.923-07:00A Reckoning<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R3_zYI23kUI/T5LNOTnMQVI/AAAAAAAAALw/Vdr2kmB_Gzs/s1600/CIMG1018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R3_zYI23kUI/T5LNOTnMQVI/AAAAAAAAALw/Vdr2kmB_Gzs/s320/CIMG1018.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 21, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can see my father now—his mouth twisted tight as a sailor’s knot, punctuating each word with his index finger.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He would be saying, “You can go fuck yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter is laying in the Critical Care Unit and you want me to meet with you about MY BEHAVIOR.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have done nothing wrong.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Even though I am my father’s daughter, because I am my father’s daughter, I do not say this when the Social Worker calls me from the hospital to tell me I must meet with them before I can see my Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of the tension my very existence and proximity to my father creates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For his wife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Before the call I already decided I was not going to go see my Dad again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday, before the call, I wrote to you about that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Either he would get better, or he would not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Without me there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is clear to me Dad can not take any conflict in his room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It would kill him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He needs all his strength for healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will take everything from him and then more.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I break down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I babble to the social worker.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am caught off guard with a bottle of Windex in one hand, a paper towel in another, having just sprayed my bathroom mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The cell phone rang.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Unknown the screen said.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“This is the Social Worker at Tacoma General.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First thing I want you to know is that your dad is ok.” She said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is one thing to decide you are going to do the right thing and do it voluntarily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because you love your dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because you made promises to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Promises you cannot keep.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But to be told, “you cannot see your dad again until you meet with us.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sister Linda has been unfriended too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She does not want to go back to the hospital either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She wrote this to the family today.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><h6><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY....</span></span><br />
<span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">I have been un-friended. Okay. So what I hear you telling me is that you no longer want or need me in your life. Okay. I am not offended by this. I welcome this as if you think that little of me then I no longer need you in mine. Yet it saddens me that the trust, the friendship and the love I felt for someone and I thought they felt for me can be so easily thrown away. It certainly is not the first time someone in my family has turned on me or any one of us. And if any other member of my family wishes to un-friend me after reading what I say here, be my guest. We are a throw away family. We have learned this well. We were taught to turn on each other as a form of survival. My family is toxic. I have heard this phrase repeatedly over the last couple weeks. It is true. My family is toxic.</span></span><br />
<span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">I am transported back to my childhood where each of my siblings had a role to play. One is the tattler, one is the butt kisser, one the taunter, one is the name caller, one is the protector, one hides in the corner and so on and so on. We learned these parts well to survive and we still are playing them. Information is given according to the role we play. We choose one target and all gather around the mother hen playing her game so we can stay in the nest. Not speaking out for whatever reason we have learned. Well I want to be the shadow and hide from all of this but I am no longer a child. I will no longer be told what to do, what to say or to be silent. I no longer concern myself about pleasing this sister, this brother, that mother, or my father so I can be accepted. Where were any of you when I needed your voice when an injustice was done? Where are we all now when one of our siblings is being treated unfairly? Are we fighting for her voice to be heard? No! Everyone is playing their role. </span></span><br />
<span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Many things have been written on facebook over the last couple weeks. We write our feelings. We write our daily activities. We write anything and everything. Sometimes we write things others take offense over. Personalizing every word, every phrase, and every paragraph. Sometimes we write to heal ourselves or to relieve the pain of what we feel is an injustice. Then friends and family comment adding their input based upon statements made by the post, input made based upon one side of the story. And then sides are taken. You get mad because someone else has posted their side of the story. So are you implying that your story is more important than the other’s? Is your version any more real than the other person’s? Are you now ostracizing them and cutting them off from family and/or friendships because they too told their story, their version. We own our stories not to be broken down by anyone. No one has the power to do that. We have the right to speak our mind just as you do. </span></span><br />
<span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">You say you are stressed. Own your stress. Do not say it is because of this person or that person. Our stress is based upon how we chose to act and react. It is based upon a feeling whether it be an insecurity, an irritation on past experiences or just because we are angry or scared. Do not tell me it is this person’s fault or that person’s fault. Don’t elaborate the story just to get sympathy for yourself. Own your words and your actions. During this time of dad’s recovery, we all want to know what is going on with him. We are all concerned about him getting better. We all spend time with him as we are able according to our schedules. Just because one person is there more than the other, doesn’t mean he is loved any less by anyone of us. Do not accuse, blame or cut off others just because you are feeling angry or scared. We all are feeling the same way but we all express it differently. Dad said this will be a time for us all to pull together for the strength he is going to need. But in this time of need, you have turned on a few of us. You say this time is not about this person or that person, it is about my dad. Then act like it. Don’t make it about you and what makes you mad. Make it about working together for one common goal. That is what my father would have wanted. I respect the fact that you are my dad’s wife. I am happy he has found someone to love as he loves you. I know he is fighting now for life for you. Be secure in that knowledge. We should not be acting out (as what happened yesterday) in his presence. It is not good for him. Differences should be dealt with as adults, person to person, and not with an audience. </span></span><br />
<span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">My dad is a fighter. This is just one more obstacle in his life which he has to overcome; with the love and assistance of his wife and with the love of his children. What is happening with this family at this time of uncertainty is definitely not right. I will not do what someone else tells me I have to do unless I feel it is the right thing. I will not be silent. Just as my father is your husband, my family is my family. I will not be silent.</span></span></h6><h6 align="center" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"></span></h6><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I called Linda.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You did not put in Trouble Maker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was me.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were the protector.” She answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Great protector I was.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I ran away. And left you all in the house with Willa and dad.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You did what you could.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I should have done more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But it was all I could do at 16 to save myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And yes the past was the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I think I’ll stick my finger down my throat and make myself puke if I hear that one more time. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because of my past I have major depression, anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress syndrome. </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because the past is never really the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It follows you around collecting dust bunnies in its blanket that have to be shaken out once awhile.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There’s a lot of dust in the air right now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It settles to the floor, collects in piles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The air catches it, swirls it around, makes small dust devils that dance unpredictably around the room.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Lisa calls your aunt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom, what kind of family did you get me into?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want to ask my Dad, “What kind of family did you get me into?” </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">One I cannot function in.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I want to make it clear we aren’t excluding you, but you are on a list of people that is not allowed to visit your dad until we meet with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to go over the rules and guidelines for appropriate behavior in your father’s room.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Like I don’t have the sense God gave a granny goat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>I</u></i></b> know how to behave in my father’s room.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The social worker has no idea how many hours I have clocked in hospital rooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My child that died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your essence following me into the parking lot of every hospital, every Emergency Room, Waiting Room, Hospital Room.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She has no idea that just a little over a year ago I sat by your Great Grandpa Roger’s bed in a hospice center and read him<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>poems from Yeats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My favorite line, “But one man loved the pilgrim soul in me…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Great Grandpa Roger could not speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He could not swallow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He could only project sheer terror in his eyes until they closed and he breathed peacefully under the influence of regular injections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He squeezed my hand after I read that Yeats line the seventh time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days later he was dead. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She has no idea that I promised my dad that I would be there to ask questions, to get answers, to advocate on his behalf. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">To reassure him everything was going to be ok. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She does not know that in my baby sister’s eyes, I am the protector.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is my role in the family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There has been a hostile takeover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The social worker knows nothing about me except what she has been told. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And I must meet with her before I can see my dad again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Depression, PTSD, anxiety disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I spray the floor of my shower with Formula 409.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathe in the fumes of chlorine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is harmful to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I try to make the shower floor clean.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Cleanliness is close to Godliness.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need divine intervention right now. </span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Family is important to the patient’s healing process.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The social worker tells me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am crazy with the craziness of this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Throw gasoline on a burning match and see what happens.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Is this for real?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Was I dreaming this?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“We don’t want to exclude you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s my number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You must meet with us before you will be allowed in to see your dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to make that very clear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are a hospital and we can exclude anyone we perceive to be a threat to a patient’s health.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I am staying away for now.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Staying away is your choice. You have to meet with us before you can see your dad.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is her mantra.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………….</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am trying to find my breath.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am trying to find my mantra to get me through this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Right now the only thing I can hear is my dad’s voice, that voice, the voice that says “Fuck you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through clenched teeth a mouth that does not move, only makes sound. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad will get better, or he will not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the meantime, I will wait.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I will not be the tension.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not be the conflict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot be the protector.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need to save myself right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-51412507457327420492012-04-20T19:01:00.001-07:002012-04-20T19:35:30.172-07:00Letting Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DZOhL7nFNhE/T5IVnrA-X8I/AAAAAAAAALo/IOFH3hX7uP4/s1600/P1010851.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DZOhL7nFNhE/T5IVnrA-X8I/AAAAAAAAALo/IOFH3hX7uP4/s320/P1010851.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 20, 2012</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Andrea--I am so glad you are still there to write to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">That, has to be enough.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sunday, April 1 my Dad had a heart attack after being in an accident with a hit and run driver. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sister Linda and I went to the hospital that afternoon to see him. To see if there was anything we could do for his wife Mari. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A heart cath was scheduled for Monday morning. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sister Linda and I called in to work to sit with our Dad's wife. So that she would not be alone if anything happened.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Always be prepared.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">If you can be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The cardiologist said the procedure would be about an hour. We could expect to see him in about half an hour or forty five minutes. If they found a blockage Dad might be in a little longer because they put in a stint.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I watched the door, beginning at the half hour mark. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">An hour later, still no doctor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">An hour and fifteen minutes later the cardiologist came in. He had a pad of paper, and a young woman in a lab coat with him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I could feel in an instant my chest bracing for bad news.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I wish I had better news.” The cardiologist sat down next to Mari, took his pad of paper and drew an outline of a heart for her. I watched over her shoulder.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Your husband had a major heart attack. The arteries on the right side are totally blocked. That side is dead.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He scribbled ink in the right side of the heart for emphasis.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“And there are three other major arteries. One is totally blocked. But it has compensated with other blood vessels and has created a sort of bypass of its own.” He drew pictures of three arteries on the left side of his hard. “So we have one vein totally occluded. The other 2 are about 90% or more closed off. We have to do heart surgery.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I’m watching Mari watch the doctor draw his pictures. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My brain freezes up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Negotiating Possibilities it says on its screen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What possibilities. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“We also my need to transplant his aortal valve as it is not functioning at peak capacity.” The Cardiologist adds.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Any questions?” He asks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have a hundred thousand questions, but I know he does not have all the answers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Chances without the surgery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He could drop dead from a major heart attack on his way to the door of his hospital room or he could live another 10 years or more with the heart the way it is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Chances with the surgery.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There is about a 90% chance he’ll survive the surgery. Later he would explain to my dad that means 90% chance he will survive the first 30 days. After that…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am his oldest child. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He wants my input. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is his decision.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We walked into Dad’s hospital room together. Linda, Mari, me. Dad was awake. Mary went to his right side. He took her hand. From the foot of the bed I witnessed that moment when my dad confronted his mortality and his wife faced the possibility of losing him. I saw the tears fill their eyes, run down their cheeks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I looked at Linda, she looked at me. “Let’s go out in the hall.” She said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Twenty days later my Dad whispers to me “I am tired.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He struggles for breath even with an oxygen mask. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I know Dad. You need to rest.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Resolution.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I will not get drawn back into this.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I say goodbye.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Conflict.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I will no longer be a part of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I kiss my Dad on his cheek.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………….</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Anger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">On the way home from the hospital I stopped at Safeway, bought a dozen red helium balloons, took them to Frontier Park. Released them one by one into the sky.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………….</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hunger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I took the basket I had packed for you—the promise of lunch today. Sitting on a log, I spread the red cloth napkin on my lap. I cradled the bright porcelain Asian sceened bowl between my thighs. I opened the thermos full of Ginger Chicken soup, with pieces chopped to the speech therapist’s and nutritionist’s specifications, low sodium everything. The smell of lemon grass, kefir leaves, lime and coconut milk snaked its way through my nose nesting in my salivary glands. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I promised you soup.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I promised you I would be there to help Mari.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I promised I would be there for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am cold. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thank God it is not raining.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Looking into the lake, all I see now is my reflection.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Listen to birds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Ducks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My balloons float overhead. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am my father’s oldest daughter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He was counting on me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He is counting on me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stronger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have to be stronger. I pour the soup into the bowl cradled between my thighs. I love to eat soup with the bowl shaped porcelain spoons I bought at Uwajimia. I stir the finely chopped chicken, the minced baby corn cobs, carrots, mushrooms, fill the spoon with that and broth. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The soup is stove hot. It burns the roof of my mouth, my tongue. I wait for it to cool. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Close my eyes and feel myself breathe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Release. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The 12 red balloons have floated away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Another spoonful of Dad’s soup warms me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………….</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am sorry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am not strong enough for this.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> .................................................. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I remember you yelling at me the last day I saw you alive “I am going to die. I am going to die. You have to accept that Mom.”</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You can’t die.” I told you like I was saying “you can’t cross the street without holding my hand” when you were younger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You looked at me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You won’t die.” I commanded, as if I had control of anything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’m sorry, there was nothing we could do.” The medic told me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………….</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Eleven days ago, as my Dad lay on the operating table, his chest cut open, I heard you whisper through me, “He will be ok.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Now I wonder what that means.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He will be ok.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Please explain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Awaiting your response.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love, Mom.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-44557426550088115452012-04-19T19:47:00.000-07:002012-04-19T19:47:49.258-07:00Bleeding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6ZdGQpykMnQ/T5DOQt1Q4AI/AAAAAAAAALg/5Iz8c5IJRKA/s1600/397862_2449606845140_1401037254_31908730_1072676082_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6ZdGQpykMnQ/T5DOQt1Q4AI/AAAAAAAAALg/5Iz8c5IJRKA/s320/397862_2449606845140_1401037254_31908730_1072676082_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 19, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My fingers bleed words.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Raw nerves are exposed to cold air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scab knocked off a healing wound.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am the wound.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A wound that will not heal.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have forgiven all who I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My fingers bleed words.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………..</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have forgiven my dad my childhood. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I never told him that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Perhaps I should.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Over time I have become his daughter again, and he has become my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He’s cooked me breakfast of hash browns, scrambled eggs, bacon, whole wheat toast.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The year before you died, I went with him to a Seahawks game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Driving to the stadium, he pointed out the parking lot where I was conceived.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">After my sister’s son died, one year before you, I came home from the funeral and your step-dad, Dean was drunk. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We fought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went outside and slammed the door behind him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was 25 degrees and dark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went in, put my pajamas on, laid on the couch, pulled a blanket over me and turned on the tv.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Time passed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dean did not come in the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I went outside, following the cloud of my breath searching for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He had passed out in the woodshed and peed all over himself.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I tried to rouse him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He flailed his arms and fought me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Leave me alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m o.k.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I called my Dad.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Dad, Dean is drunk again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s passed out in the wood pile “</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Do you want me to come down and help?” Dad asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would just embarrass him and piss him off.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What do you want to do?” He asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Leave him out there, let him freeze his ass to death.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Now Sherry,”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad began, “you know you can’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the same dilemma when I came home and found your mother passed out with empty bottles of pills all around her, barely breathing, the five of you running around the house.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What did you do?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I called her best friend and told her your mom needed help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She came and got her to the hospital.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Well Dad, you asked me what I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wanted</i></b> to do, not what I was going to do.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What are you going to do?” he asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I am going out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to tell him he has five minutes to get in the house. If he cannot get himself to the house and in the door, there will be bright flashing red lights and sirens.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“O.K” Dad said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But if you need me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Call me back and I’ll come down.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Thanks Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Every time I got a call from you from an emergency room, I called my dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He talked to me from the driveway at my house in Rochester until I got to St. Joe’s, Good Sam, St. Pete’s, Evergreen, University of Washington, Swedish, Harborview.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stepsister, Linda Jean, died of cystic fibrosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knew what your sickness meant to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you died, when I could speak again, he was the first person I called to come be with me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the week Dad waited for his heart surgery, we talked about you, my step-sister Linda Jean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Linda Jean was my stepdaughter, but she was a daughter to me, just like you guys.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I put my hand in his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He squeezed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We sat together with our feelings—mine about you and my stepsister, his about my stepsister and his granddaughter.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">After the hostility this Wednesday before, I limited my exposure to toxicity and the possibility of confrontation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to ignore it, rise above it, avoid it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Focus on my dad, let him rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">For two days, I stayed home to re-center myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To let the brewed hostility towards me settle down.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Here comes trouble,” my stepmother used to sing that song as soon as she knew I could hear her from the sidewalk as I approached the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was happiest when she could get as many of siblings and step-siblings to sing along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My sisters and brother reverberate with the melody when I walk in the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am not trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the questions that should have been asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The answers sought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truth pursued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Justice prevails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit in my nest trying to hatch eggs filled with good intentions, tranquility, peace, love and light—even if it does sound trite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I try to project goodness.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And hope that it comes back to me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Here comes trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do not understand unkindness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I feel it all around me.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………….</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Monday, April 15, I sent my boss an email I needed time off from work in the morning to be at the hospital with my dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“I went to the office and got tomorrow’s files. Rest of my files are still in cabinet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad had open heart surgery last Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stroke on Wednesday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There have been days I have gone in and he looks so bad I wonder if I am going to get that call in the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He hallucinates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last night we were in a fox hole waiting for reinforcements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was convinced we had to get out of there because the reinforcements weren’t coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was agitated, pulling at everything, trying to get out of bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited with him in that imaginary foxhole, telling him that if we were really quiet, maybe we would remain undiscovered, but if he continued to carry on, we’d surely be found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This morning he knew who I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really need to spend as much time as I can with him.”</span><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">…………………………………………..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I stand on the right side of my dad’s bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I massage his neck for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel the vertebrae.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pull the skin, the muscles gently away from it, release, work my thumbs in circles in the curve where his head meets his neck, push my palms cupped over the round of his shoulder to where it meets the arm and down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He moves under the pulling, pushing, kneading of my hands on his neck, his shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He puts his right arm around my back, pulls me into him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kiss his left cheek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put my mouth to his ear and whisper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I love you dad.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He turns his head and whispers, “I am scared.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You’ll be o.k.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I told you this was going to be really hard.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’m scared.” He says again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“It will be ok Dad.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I love you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And I know he does.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am afraid of losing him again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I know there well be lies about me when he gets better.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Here comes Trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………………….</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Text message this morning from his wife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dales not doing well today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>O2 saturations are down and has not been off the breathing machine since Tuesday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doctors are not sure what is going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put him on antiatocs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I call her to find out what is going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let her know I am planning to be at the hospital early afternoon for a few hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister, Linda Marie, texted me earlier and wanted to go to the hospital with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I did not tell Linda dad was having problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">………………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">After we left the hospital, Linda and I stop at Johnson’s candy where the men are making chocolates upstairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman behind the counter offers us each a piece of chocolate covered toffee sweetness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I order six more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Oh My God.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Linda exclaims.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I just found something perfect for you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“What?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">She shows me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the bottom the phrase…Here Comes Trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I remember we used to sing that as soon as Willa saw you coming up the sidewalk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then after all the craziness lately, this is perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You wouldn’t be offended if I bought this for you, would you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“No.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am not trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">But because I am not trouble, I am.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">………………………………….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">When Linda and I got up to my dad’s room he recognized us both immediately.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Hi Sherry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where’s your boyfriend?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Working.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Hi Linda.” Dad greeted my sister.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Hi Dad.” She answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Where’s your boyfriend?” Dad asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“At work.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It was time for Dad’s lunch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man stood in the corner observing as Mari<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fed Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of his breathing, there has to be an adjustment to the consistency of his food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too many chews take too many breaths.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I ask if I can bring in food for my Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The man tells me yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just cannot be too chewy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">When he left Mari told me the man was not the nutritionist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nutritionist had the final say on what my dad had to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that point she was barely civil to me, went to the back of my dad’s room and began talking on the cell phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I asked my dad “Would you like me to bring you something home cooked?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Yes.” He answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A nurse came in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked if it were possible to talk to the nutritionist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">From the back of the room, I heard a hostile voice say “Don’t you think you should check with me before you ask to talk to the nutritionist?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“You’ve been on the phone.” I answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I was sitting next to my Dad, holding his hand, he was whispering in my ear, “I’m not doing so good.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Mari stormed out of the room yelling “Don’t be laying your head on your Dad’s chest.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Linda, standing in front of me, said, “What was that about?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My Dad looked stunned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s o.k. Dad.” I told him squeezing his hand.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“It’s o.k.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">But it is not o.k.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">None of this o.k.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The fact none of his children are allowed to talk to his doctors is not o.k.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The fact we get different information from different sources that all conflicts because<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of the way information is passed from one person to the other, or not passed, is not o.k.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">No matter how much stress Mari is under, the way she is treating me is not o.k.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My dad would want me to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would want me to help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am helpless.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am Trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Mary feeds my Dad the second tray of unattractive food the dietician brings in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I am the dietician.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says as Mari lifts the lid off a plate of instant mashed potatoes covered with yellow gravy and a small dish of chicken covered in white gravy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a clear plastic cup with minced cantaloupe and some other fruit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I ask the dietician “Are you the same as the nutritionist?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I am.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I am thinking of bringing some home cooked food for my dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would there be a problem with that?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“No.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We are just trying to get him to eat right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To get up his strength.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“If I did bring him something are there restrictions as to sodium, other things?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I can see Mari is fuming as she is sitting next to my dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stop the conversation with the dietician.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask Mari if there is a problem with me talking to the dietician.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gets up from next to my dad, storms up to me, slaps the top of my arm and says, “Nope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just do whatever the fuck you want to do.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">As she storms out she takes all the air in the room with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurses, the dietician, Linda, me—we all just look at one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My dad sits in his chair, trying to get enough oxygen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I go sit next to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kiss him on the cheek.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Do you want me to bring you something to eat tomorrow?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">He shakes his head up and down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes.” He says.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“What do you want me to bring you?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Posole.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He answers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“That might be a little tough to eat right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about some Thai soup like I made just before you had surgery?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“O.k.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he answers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Would breakfast, lunch or dinner be better?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Lunch.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">He did not need all this drama in his room this afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needs to get well.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Trouble is me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">………………………………………..</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Oh my God.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Linda exclaims “Mari has just posted something on Facebook.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were just leaving the hospital.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“She’s unfriended me a few days ago. So I won’t be able to read it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“It is to you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Should I read it?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Sure.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Why can’t you do as you are asked?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are not in charge…You have not been here all the time, so you know what is best for him…You don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe you should spend more time with him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My fingers bleed words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am an unscabbed wound, fresh, wet, glistening.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am the child that cries in the night for a childhood.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a mother without her child.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am a daughter trying to find a way to help her father.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Who has found a way to her father.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">And does not want to lose it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This is all about my Dad.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This is all about what he wants, what he would have wanted.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What he needs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Thanks for being there to listen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Love you Andie--Mom</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-66661095542553724642012-04-13T15:36:00.002-07:002012-04-14T08:45:56.521-07:00Another Generation <style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 12, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Now you know why your mother, your grandmother, and I have not exposed you much to our family.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told this to Alicia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Nana Karen, my sister Karen is with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Karen nods her head in affirmation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Exactly.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia witnessed the craziness at the hospital with me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“When your Auntie Sherry was younger, I used to sneak her food upstairs to our bedroom.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Karen said as she took a couple Fritos and popped them in her mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The three of us are having lunch in the cafeteria at Tacoma General Hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia looks at me, then at her Nana Karen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why?” she asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Because Willa would send her to bed without dinner.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But why?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alicia wants answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To make sense of the non sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Because she did not fold the clothes fast enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or she did not get a dish perfectly clean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or she left a spot on the floor when she mopped it.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia ponders this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see her twelve year old mind trying to put this in the context of her own experiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Nana and I are telling her things she can find no context for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“For real?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alicia asks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“For real.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nana Karen tells her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia looks at me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“For real.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Toxic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family is toxic.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need a Haz Mat suit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Googles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Protective Gear.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have none.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I face it full on, absorb it—medication is not helping.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the family waiting room I hear my sister Kathy telling another sister we should not talk to dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I ask her why that is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“When my husband had a brain injury the ICU nurses said we shouldn’t talk to him because it would keep his brain from healing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kathy’s voice is raising.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Did Dad’s nurse tell you we could not talk to him?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Kathy loses it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Becomes unglued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m not taking this from you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She yells.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You need to make sure the information you give about dad is accurate and pertains to his situation.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to tell her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the day of Dad’s surgery Kathy called one of the sisters and told her Dad had brain damage based on her observations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can only imagine the drama this caused.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Other people start to leave the family waiting area because Kathy is so loud and agitated.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Kathy gets up from her chair, gathers her stuff, still yelling at me, stomping off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Family gathers around her to calm her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I sit alone in my chair wondering what just happened. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to be the voice of reason, I have become the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The trouble maker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I keep it to myself how much anxiety I have connected to hospitals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All those days spent sitting beside your bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hospital food, critical care units, iv poles, nurses, the white board in every room—Today’s Date Is; Your Nurse Is…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And none of my family there with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just you and I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“No one ever comes to visit me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You sobbed to me one night.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My anxiety medication is not working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take two my psychiatrist tells me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just do not drive.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I concentrate on Alicia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My great niece.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A new generation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breaking plates, making mosaics, her social studies project, watching movies, making jelly bean cupcakes, telling her how awesome she is and how much I love her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Life needs to get back to normal.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Whatever normal is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hope it is not this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I keep thinking of my Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In his hospital bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tubes everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ventilator breathing for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His meals passing through a tube , the iv bags hanging from poles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The monitors tracing, tracking everything.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The fact I am here, not there.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can be there if I do not cause trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The condition troubles me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if I would.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But everything I say and do now feeds into the perception I am trouble.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Facts” misstated, misconstrued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only deepens the conflict inside me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In every conflict, does there always have to be a victim, a victor?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three words—“I am sorry.” Would be enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have given my apology for whatever my part in this conflict is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It has not been enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Others have taken on my role.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My participation not wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My participation “trouble”.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Without a part in my father’s recovery anymore, I simply wait for word. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And write to you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want to help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to help. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Until my help became a threat, unwanted.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You would understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like me you bristled at inaccuracies, injustices.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At justifications not based on fact.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The latest being I backed my dad’s wife into a corner—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">when I got back you intamitaed me pushing me back into the chair and window you invaded my space</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I am sorry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am crazy with stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not mean to hurt you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is all the response I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wrote back.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I felt the same way. That I had really been trying to be a friend to you and that all of a sudden you were hostile with me. Just for the record you were standing in the corner when I came to try to make things right with you. You were clearly upset and I felt hostile towards me. You told me to get back as I was invading your personal space…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Actually she was waving her arms moving toward me to push me back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are invading my space.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was trying to make things right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to let her know I was not trying to take this all personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did not want to listen to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She only wanted to hear what she wanted to hear.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Her anger would not let things be right.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At the end of my message back to her I wrote—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I apologized to you for whatever I might have unwittingly said or done......</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot do this anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she has to be right, she can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she has to justify her actions to everyone else, I guess I can be the bad guy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the meantime, I cannot bring myself to go to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To subject myself to any more.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wish I could just let this go.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">……..</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FRdggsnhZ9A/T4iphs96cAI/AAAAAAAAALI/kebUbzb83hU/s1600/485733_2597304870684_1796615636_1531648_1772247491_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FRdggsnhZ9A/T4iphs96cAI/AAAAAAAAALI/kebUbzb83hU/s320/485733_2597304870684_1796615636_1531648_1772247491_n.jpg" width="179" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia and I baked jelly bean cupcakes this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We googled recipes on the internet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">As I was getting out the beaters, the muffin tins, a measuring cup, a mixing bowl, Alicia asked me, “Is it true Aunt Sherry you ran away from home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am surprised by the question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How does she know this?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Yes, Alicia, when I was 16 I ran away from home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Why?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Because I needed to stay sane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I was tired of being covered with bruises.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Bruises?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did you get bruises?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I got beat with the belt, I had an iron thrown at me, I had a teakettle full of heating water thrown at me, I was pummeled with fists.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Why didn’t you hit back?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Because I could not,”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I was a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no power.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What about your teachers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t they say something?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“No.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“They should have.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I agree.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“From the time I was younger than you I dreamed of running away.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell Alicia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I tried to figure out how I could build a tree house in the woods where no one would find me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where I could be safe.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“When you ran away, where did you go?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I went to Remann Hall.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am parsing out information a little at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a lot of information. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What is Remann Hall.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alicia asks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“It was a jail for bad kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ran away to jail.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“And then what?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“And then I lived in a Catholic Children’s Home , and later, a foster home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alicia studies me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What I have told her does not fit into her realm of experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is all tell her now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Which is more than I told you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not far enough away from it then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I feel like this is running away again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I am an outsider in my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I do not fit in.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The sun is shining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cupcakes are baked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alicia and I need to finish her mosaic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a garden that needs clean up, preparation.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>place I can breathe in something other than the craziness around me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Whisper to my dad that I am there with him, just not physically.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Can you do that?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I miss you terribly right now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you—mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-47603780677934753482012-04-12T10:22:00.002-07:002012-04-12T11:35:57.253-07:00Family Crisis<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PwK8cdA2cto/T4cSP-p4nbI/AAAAAAAAAK0/B7SSCC_mwcQ/s1600/397862_2449606845140_1401037254_31908730_1072676082_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PwK8cdA2cto/T4cSP-p4nbI/AAAAAAAAAK0/B7SSCC_mwcQ/s320/397862_2449606845140_1401037254_31908730_1072676082_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 11, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hey Andrea—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I don’t even know where to start tonight. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I’ll start here--your Grandpa is still in the hospital. Still in the Critical Coronary Care Unit.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sometime this morning he “crashed.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The doctors cannot explain it, do not know what happened. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He is not responsive. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">When I whisper to him blink your eyes, with some difficulty he does. He is trying to focus on who I am. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cup the palm of my right hand over the crown of his bald head. I whisper in his left ear. This is Sherry. Close your eyes. You need to rest. Let your body heal. Just know I am here.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The nurses come. Pull the feeding tube from his nose. My dad gags. They poke, they prod, suction him out, he gags, they swab his mouth. He gags. Tears fall from his eyes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wipe them away with my thumbs. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I watch his chest rise as the ventilator inflates his lungs. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A pace line keeps his heart beating.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At 7 a.m. I got a call from his wife he was fine.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At just before 10 a.m. she called again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Something bad has happened with your dad. They think he had a stroke. I am going to the hospital.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Do you need a ride?” I ask. I feel her anxiety through the phone. The need to be there with him NOW. The need to see for herself what has happened, how bad it is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“It would take too long for you to get here.” She tells me. “Just stay where you are and I will call you when I find something out.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Just stay where you are. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I call my sisters, Karen and Linda. Tell them the news.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot simply sit and wait with the news my father “crashed”. He is on a ventilator again. He has a pace line in is heart. He is not responsive.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I try to call my sister, Kathy who is with my dad’s wife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No answer. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have to be doing something.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I text my dad’s wife, “I am headed up.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Meaning to the hospital.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Within seconds she calls me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I told you to stay home. I do not want you there. I had to deal with all kinds of drama yesterday. Can’t you just do what I tell you and stay at home.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am 10 years old, my stepmother is yelling at me. I shut down.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Ok.” I say. “When the doctor comes could you put him on the phone so I can hear what he says, too.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Yesterday my sister Kathy told another sister my dad was thrashing and he had a brain injury. It was not true. She is not a reliable source of information.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You don’t trust me or think I’m smart enough to report back to you kids what is going on with your dad. Fine. I’ll put the doctor on.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Click of the phone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stunned. I sit in my big leather chair. Paralyzed. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Afraid if that first tear begins to fall…..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Everything I have been building with my dad crumbles. Sits like the broken bowls, plate, cup pieces, shattered on my dining room table ready to make into mosaics.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hear nothing from the hospital. An hour passes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I call my sister Kathy. She has nothing to update, and acts snippy towards me. I ask her if she has changed her flight. If she is going to stay longer. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad’s wife has been telling me for two or three days she needs her space back. Kathy has been joined at her hip since last Thursday. When Kathy extended her stay another day, she was not happy. “Kathy needs to go home.” She told me. “I need time to myself. I need to be alone.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Kathy, have you changed your flight again.” I ask.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I have.” She answers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She is staying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Dad’s wife needs her space. You need to find another place to stay or you need to go back home.” I tell her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Kathy answers, “She asked me to stay.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Apparently Kathy and I have been getting different stories.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Or we interpret them differently.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Kathy has ammunition now and she will run with it. She will tell everyone I told her she needed to leave. She will not tell them the rest. She will create her own drama, and then stand back, smiling, no accountability. She plays the victim well. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wait. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot get information fast enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What I get is not what I want to believe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have to see for myself.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have been told to stay at home.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot do that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Only a few people are allowed in my dad’s room at a time. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The elevator takes me to the 8<sup>th</sup> floor. The doors open to a crowd of family—sisters and brothers—I have not seen in years. Members of the motorcycle club my father belongs to are there. The room is full.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Barely out of the elevator, my younger brother, Dale approaches me threateningly. Jimmy, my stepbrother, flanks him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“We don’t want no trouble here.” Dale tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Under attack, I answer. “I have no idea what you are talking about. And obviously you do not either.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You told Kathy she had to leave.” Dale tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Who knows what else they have told him. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You obviously do not know the whole story.” I tell him. “You need to back away from me. Go back over to your wife.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sound comes out of his mouth. I cannot hear what he is saying—other than, “I am not backing away. I am staying right here.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">His body threatening me. Wanting a fight.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I see my dad’s wife out of the corner of my eye. She sees me. She quickly walks away with my Uncle Ken to my dad’s room. Does not invite me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Back away.” I tell him again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He will not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is clear I am not wanted here. Kathy glares at me. My father’s wife exudes hostility towards me when I am around here.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“This is about me and your father.” She tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This is about my father. The fact that he is laying in a bed, a machine breathing for him. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">For me, now, this is only about my father. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And my need to know he is going to be ok.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have done everything I can to help my father’s wife, and she turned against me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hear her bragging to the bike club friends how she got in to see one of the best personal injury attorneys in Tacoma because of my dad’s connection to me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because of who I am. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Under attack, I try to explain what happened from my perspective.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The damage has been done.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No one wants an explanation.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No one wants to put this behind them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is a grudge to be born with enormity.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am the outsider again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The voices of my childhood drown out my own.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Or try to.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I leave the hospital feeling as if my chest has been ripped open. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve saves me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve knows me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He came over, all the way from Issaquah. Pulled me to the couch, put his arms around me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Tell me what happened.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do. Recount the day, same as I am doing here with you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He holds me close to him. Closes his eyes. Listens. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Breath.” He tells me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And when I can’t, he gives me mouth to mouth resuscitation. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He reminds me I am a good person.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He reminds me who I have become.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Promise me you will stay away from the hospital. Your family is toxic. They only use you and hurt you. Promise me you will work in your garden, pull weeds, harvest the last of the carrots, plant the Pacific Crabapple tree I gave you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I need to be with my dad.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You need to be with yourself. You need to protect yourself.” Steve tells me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Breath.” He says. “Hold it in. Release.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You are a good person, Sherry.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am a good person.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need to write I am a good person on a page of college lined paper 100 times, 1000 times, 10,000 times, a million times.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Until I believe it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You whisper through me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It will be ok.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you Andrea--Mom</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-42346970437509388442012-04-10T10:24:00.001-07:002012-04-14T08:46:22.401-07:00Matters of the Heart<style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F_l8IXYF_6c/T4RsvKLbFEI/AAAAAAAAAKs/5PX-f9xwEDw/s1600/K7A2734D72CB67_1000015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F_l8IXYF_6c/T4RsvKLbFEI/AAAAAAAAAKs/5PX-f9xwEDw/s320/K7A2734D72CB67_1000015.jpg" width="193" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 9, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Good morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sun is just beginning to shine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should be at the hospital, with my dad, but I am here, at home, writing this letter to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sadie is on the living room rug chewing a buffalo tendon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She chomps and rips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stella sits on the dining room table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching the garden for signs of movement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This morning I heard birds chirping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">For the past seven days your grandpa has been in the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His heart has gotten the best of him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has threatened to betray him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is 9:56 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will be in surgery for 4-6 hours as the surgeons move and graft veins from one part of his body to another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Open heart surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In that moment, when the surgeons stopped his heart to do their work, did you greet him, along with other souls he has known, waiting to decide whether to allow him to come with you, or to shepard him back to here and now and 1 or 2:00 when the surgery should be over.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I fully feel the weight of this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The wait of this.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the days preceding, my father told me stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sitting on the hard plastic chair this week, I have listened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have heard him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stories, my dad cast as the main character, involving my mother, my grandmothers, great aunts, uncles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ancestors from Spain, Portugal, Hawaii, Ireland, Illinois.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I look for places where our stories intersect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where I come on the scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Parenthood was not a choice for him or my mother.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It was not planned.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It happened.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I was conceived in the back seat of a green 1949 Ford convertible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad was nineteen, my mother, fifteen. Accompanying Dad to a Seahawks game one Sunday afternoon, my father proudly pointed out the parking lot, between a run down gas station and a warehouse in Seattle, where he and my mother “made out” and made me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It was 1954, before the “Pill” and legalized abortion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the 1950’s a woman’s place was in the home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The marriage rate in the United States was at an all time high.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting married right out of high school was considered the norm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being single and pregnant was socially unacceptable. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>With my cells dividing--forming arms, legs, lungs, heart, forming inside her womb--my mother had two choices. She could go to a home for ”wayward girls”, have me and put me up for adoption. Or she could marry my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Influenced by my stern German Catholic Grandma Fran on my mother’s side, and my three hundred pound Portuguese Catholic Grandma Thelma on my father’s side, my father did the honorable thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He married my mother. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>While other girls my mom’s age, went to sock hops, proms, and eventually graduated from high school, my mother had me, my sisters and my brother. She spent her days changing diapers and warming bottles for babies that came every year. By the time she was 21, there were five of us. Another one was on the way.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My birth certificate says I was born at 12:49 a.m. on Wednesday, May 25, 1955 at Swedish Hospital in Seattle Washington. Sometime between my birth and second birthday my dad enlisted in the Army.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My second birthday was celebrated in Oakland, California. By then I had one baby sister and another on the way. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I celebrated my third and fourth birthdays at Fort Lewis, where my dad was stationed at the time. A month before my fourth birthday I got my third sibling, a brother. On my fifth birthday we were living in Hawaii. I had a party in Wahiawa at the Nani Wai apartment hotel. I got a Viewmaster, pedal pushers, shorts, a bathing suit, blouses, and a yellow dress. One month after I blew out the candles on my cake, I got baby sister number four. That year, September 9, 1960, I went to my first day of kindergarten at Waianae Elementary.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I know all of this because I have my baby book. It is a maize satin covered written history of my early years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It stops with my first day of school. I have taken this book out often and fondled the wax envelope with the dark curled clipping of a lock of my hair from my first haircut. I have traced the lines of my newborn footprints and compared my thumbprints to my mother's. <u>The Story of Our Baby</u> is full of information-- when I got my first tooth, smiled my first smile, walked my first steps. There are little mother's notes like "Sherry is now at five months and is starting to grab things and play with them. She is getting cuter all the time." </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As a mother, I know recording all of this took time. This book, and a handful of black and white photos that show a chubby, smiling, little, curly dark-haired girl, are all I have to prove that my parents must have cared for me when I was little. My own memories do not allow me that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I cannot find the place where my own memories actually began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">blur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching the curl of remembered feelings, hearing them shake the rattles in their tail should be warning enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once the snake bites, the poison spreads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It will be awhile before I can recover from the fear of going home.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The sweaty palms I tried to dry on the skirt of my dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sweat beads forming into rivulets, dripping onto everything around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leaving little puddles on the black mat of the bus floor, riding home from kindergarten, first grade.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Red ants biting at my five year old flesh as they crawled across my toes, across my feet, up my shins, my torso, my neck until a neighbor found me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Ketchup and mayonnaise on Wonder Bread.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Imaginary friends.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">A field trip to a fire station.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Three Little Pigs puppets I made on popsicle sticks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“I’m a little teapot, short and stout.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My father telling my mother, “Calm down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lower your voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids are in the other room.”</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">………………………………………..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I don’t want to say nothing bad about your mother,” my dad starts out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he is his own hero in this story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I use what he tells me to recreate my history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My sister Kathy is tracing our ancestors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has found quite a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is drawing out the family tree.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I need to study the leaves.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">…………………………….</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My mother abused prescription drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did not get them legally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She washed them down with alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spending time in bars, she sought the company of men other than my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In her land of oblivion and sex, there was no room for five small children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things came to a head when the military police found my mother drunk and high with a sergeant having sex on the bar in the Non Commissioned Officer’s Club at 3 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two of them had broken in after hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The MPs were going to arrest her. Not wanting to cause problems with my dad’s military career, they called him to come and get her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was pregnant with her sixth child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was not my dad’s. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I was in the first grade when we left Hawaii. In the middle of the night mom, with no warning, no explanation, pulled us five children out of our beds where we were soundly sleeping. She hurried us off to Honolulu airport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had tickets to Seattle she told us. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>When we got to SeaTac airport we walked out of the plane and into the cold wearing flip-flops, sleeveless shirts, and shorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was November in Washington, which meant cold and rain in Seattle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As the spring of 1962 began to flaunt cherry blossoms, daffodils and rhododendrons, we moved out of her mother’s house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom found housing at High Point, a housing project in West Seattle. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A young boy, just a few years older than me, who let me ride his bicycle, and who lived across the street from us, was found hanging from the clothesline pole one morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I overheard the grownups around me as they whispered back and forth about his death. Some said he saw his death as the only escape from that place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others whispered somebody killed him. I could not understand any of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only knew a boy I had played with was dead</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Welfare mother</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">cries her eyes out</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">in the projects</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">neighbors say</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">at least that's</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">one less mouth to feed</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My mother was like a ghost in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were occasional sightings. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I was hungry all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was never food in our cupboards or our refrigerator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had no dining room table to sit and eat breakfast, lunch or dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I spent time at neighbors’ houses, where they had bologna sandwiches and cookies and milk in the refrigerator. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There was the old couple who had no children of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She made me eggs and bacon in the morning with buttered toast and jam, meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans, meals that made my mouth water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She died and the man was too sad to feed himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The girl on the next block who was my age, and an only child--I spent a lot of time with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She brought out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, potato chips and strawberry Kool-Aid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ate and drank on her patio, jelly sticking to the sides of our mouth, cherry Kool-Aid giving us red moustaches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then her mom said she could not play with me anymore because my mother had too many strange men over at our house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not understand why I was no longer welcome at her house for something my mother was doing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And there was the big black woman with skin the color of milk chocolate. She had more kids than I could count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One she carried on her hip, another wrapped himself around her leg.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rest just followed her everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to follow too, hoping I would blend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She took me with them to pick colanders full of blackberries that she turned into jam and pies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were big pots of food-- thick with chunks of ham or chicken or beef, green stuff, beans--on her stove, that smelled like heaven and made my mouth water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She always made a place for me at the table. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Honey girl,” she would say to me, “you better run along home and tell your momma where you is so she ain’t worried bout you.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I snuck out of the house by climbing out a bedroom window. I shimmied down to the garbage can I had put under it until the tips of my toes were on the lid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Balanced there, I let my heels down while hanging onto the window ledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Letting go of the window ledge I’d crouch down until I was sitting, and then I’d slide the rest of the way to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My mother did not worry about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did not know I was gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>was like a ghost in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasional sightings</span>.<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When I wore out my welcome with everyone, I’d sneak into their unlocked houses and drink their milk, make myself a lunchmeat sandwich with Miracle Whip or mayonnaise, find a bag of cookies or some chips and find someplace in the woods nearby to enjoy my feast. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Survival lessons.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">………………………………………..</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Andrea, those memories, painful as they are, were nothing compared to what was to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The years of my Dad and stepmother. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My stepmother’s names for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fat Ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trouble Maker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Titless Wonder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Liar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whore like your mother.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I forgot my own name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgot who I was.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How did my father not hear this?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I am frozen here at the computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A blank page to tell you what happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hate happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stepmother hated me, despised me, needed to take me down a notch or two.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who will not be destroyed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In his own way, my father has acknowledged what happened.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But he cannot admit his part in it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I think of other things.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u></u></b><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H4YXMnJ6INs/T4RqTKtvSQI/AAAAAAAAAKc/DPsWCvzFavY/s1600/image002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H4YXMnJ6INs/T4RqTKtvSQI/AAAAAAAAAKc/DPsWCvzFavY/s320/image002.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HvB0k34M72M/T4RscAAanrI/AAAAAAAAAKk/D4gT8Cza_KY/s1600/K7A2734D72CB67_1000001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HvB0k34M72M/T4RscAAanrI/AAAAAAAAAKk/D4gT8Cza_KY/s320/K7A2734D72CB67_1000001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I found this picture of my dad, my mom and me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Memories of my dad.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is 10:45.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April 9, 2010.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fresh from the shower, I brush my teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister Linda has texted me, “Dad should be out of surgery around 12:30.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">All week long, sitting in that plastic chair next to his bed, listening to his doctors of the heart, I have had a feeling this could go either way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If my dad were by himself, he would take off the hospital gown, climb on his Harley, and say “To hell with this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I‘ve lived this long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll take my chances.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He has Mari now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And he cannot leave her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So he will let the surgeons cut his ribs apart, expose his heart, repair what they can, close him up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will bear the risk and pain of this for her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">10:45 you are a whispered thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your dad will be ok.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is like a blessing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A rush of memory.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hush puppies dropped into the deep fat fryer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Translucent bits of onion shimmering with melted fat as I cut into the crisp outer shell, fill the middle with butter.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The quarter appearing, disappearing from the palm of his hand when he closed his fist, opened it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">B9</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I25</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">N31</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">G60</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">O75</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">BINGO</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want the Hershey Bar prize.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Spit shined black boots.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Green fatigues, starched stiff.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My first communion at Holy Cross, eating a donut afterwards at Winchells, just me and dad, me in my white communion dress and veil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The sound of his belt as it sliced through the air, met my flesh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sting, then ache of ruptured veins, the multicolored bruises on my skin I tried to hide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The underlying beat that carries through this song of my life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This song I tried to forget, but write now for you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Another day begins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad will be ok.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My thoughts are with you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love you sweetie-Mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-64995795543158222112012-04-07T15:02:00.000-07:002012-04-07T15:02:55.765-07:00Easter 2012<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I0nCWDZRijY/T4C5c0zoKlI/AAAAAAAAAKU/fjRGmM0Yo3E/s1600/CIMG0870.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I0nCWDZRijY/T4C5c0zoKlI/AAAAAAAAAKU/fjRGmM0Yo3E/s320/CIMG0870.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">April 7, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Good Morning my Dear Sweet Girl—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Easter tomorrow.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1983.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I close my eyes and see you, your sister Erin, standing at the small round dining table I found at a garage sale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Both of you buzzing, anticipating multicolored jelly beans and a basket full of green fake cellophane grass with bits of chocolate nested in the sleek shimmery shreds .</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A Betty Crocker white cake baking in the oven in two round 8 inch pans fills the house with vanilla and sugar scent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Later we will make the bunny cake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, we <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>dye the dozen white hardboiled eggs that sit in the middle of the table surrounded by mismatched cups, some with cracks, filled with translucent red, orange, blue, green dye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My thoughts are all over the place.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I cannot sit still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am afraid to just be with myself right now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But that is where I need to be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking in the whisper of air as it moves into my nostrils, I fill my chest with it, inflate.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Exhale.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Deflate.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Wait.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Come back to now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This moment, when the only sounds are the whir of the computer processor, the steady hum of the refrigerator, the clock ticking—tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The house creaks, groans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I sigh.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad is in the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A heart attack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He waits for a transfer to another hospital, for the Plavix to leave his system so his platelets stick together again, the assignment of an operating room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sisters, brothers, stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family history is real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It remembers me .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It gathers around my dad. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Sherry,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">On April 2, 2012 you notified us of your potential need to take family/medical leave due to care for a parent with a serious health condition.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This to inform you meet the eligibility requirements for taking FMLA and you have FMLA leave available.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Since last Sunday, I have been at one of three places, at home, at work, at the hospital.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have long forgiven my father for my childhood, or lack of one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither of us wants to confront it, discuss it in any great detail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any more than a paragraph here and there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I ask questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He fills in gaps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The stories I never told you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I did not speak of them, they would not be real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The stories would not repeat themselves.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Over and over.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My stepmother made Cinderella’s look like Donna Reed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad will not admit he knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">As I helped you and Erin each cradle a hard boiled egg on a teaspoon, slowly lower it in the colored liquid, wait for figments of color to imbue the hard white shell, the stories of my Easters past fluttered their pages inside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">With a clear wax crayon, my stepmother made me write Fat Ass, Trouble Maker, to identify which colored eggs were mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sisters had their own identifiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lazy, Stupid, Ugly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Deep breaths as you and Erin and I turn the eggs in their green, red, yellow, orange, blue, pink dye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait for the perfect hue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lift the egg, hold it against the side of the cup as we tip the spoon, spilling color back into the cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The egg is placed to dry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There is nothing written on your eggs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1961.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was 6, almost 7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister Kathy would have been 5, Karen 4, Dale 3, Linda almost two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother, 23 years old, was pregnant with baby number 6—who was not my dad’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’d left him and we were living in High Point, a housing project in Seattle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She—a single mom not ready for, not wanting motherhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My father’s words—“The end always justifies the means.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But I do not argue.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1961.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke early Easter Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was old enough (a) to know it was Easter, and (b) to expect the Easter Bunny to have left 5 wicker baskets full of sugar treats, 5 chocolate bunnies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt the brittle chocolate breaking as I brought my teeth down on its ears, tasted the cocoa—butter—sugar melt on my tongue, stick to the roof of my mouth.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I opened the bedroom door, walked down the hall toward the living room, it was barely light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There was nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No Easter baskets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No chocolate bunnies.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Surely there must be a mistake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I went in the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nothing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Maybe the Easter bunny was running late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was still early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">If I went back to bed and was really quiet, there was still a chance he would come.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I laid in the bed I shared with Kathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Listened for my sisters and brother to wake up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything had to be quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or the Easter Bunny would not come.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He had not made it to our house yet.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The house creaked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was bathed in a sea of relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the Easter bunny.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Quietly, I made my way down the hall again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Peeked around the corner.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nothing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Checked the kitchen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nothing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I went back to my bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grew anxious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">How was I going to tell Kathy, Karen, Dale, Linda the Easter Bunny had not come yet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">How was I going to keep them quiet until he made it to our house?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I piled our blankets in the bottom of the closet on top of the collection of dirty clothes mixed with clean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Explained the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enforced silence, stillness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Linda was the hardest to keep quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was wet and hungry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not change her diaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not know what to feed her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Shhhhhhh</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">If we are not quiet there will be no jelly beans, I call dibs on the black ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will be no chocolate bunnies.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Where was my mom?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My dad was an ocean away, stationed in Hawaii.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making another family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until my mother disappeared and the Red Cross brought him back to Washington to claim us—five of us.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Your stepmother and I got together to do a job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We each had children to raise.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You all turned out all right.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Dad, maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we are all fucked up in out own ways.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Linda is with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shakes her head yes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He measures his success by what we have accomplished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does he realize how much there was to overcome? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I know my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I come here to the hospital so he can tell me his.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I listen him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Record him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take down notes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask questions</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">He is my father.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am his daughter.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have forgiven him for all he thought he knew about parenting, for all the things he did not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wonder.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Without these stories, my father’s, my mother’s, and now mine, without understanding I, too, was a child, became a young woman, and then your mother—without knowing this history, will you forgive me for all I thought I knew about parenting, for all the things I did not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mostly, I thought love would be enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I thought I could make up for my childhood by giving you yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Without a frame of reference, without me telling you about how I grew up, how could you know?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am my father’s daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I start again from there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Happy Easter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Eat the ears first.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love—Mom. </span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-37185777038441116592012-03-23T22:14:00.001-07:002012-03-23T22:15:32.173-07:00Moving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-i2-K4v9Tg6E/T21YYt5WOcI/AAAAAAAAAKM/KceD8T3HXeM/s1600/CIMG1163.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-i2-K4v9Tg6E/T21YYt5WOcI/AAAAAAAAAKM/KceD8T3HXeM/s320/CIMG1163.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">March 23, 2012.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dear Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am moving. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is hard to be still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My house is mine again. The smell of muddy man boots, Carhart jeans, jackets are gone. The wet wood, the damaged molded parts have all been ripped out, thrown out, dried out, disinfected. Wood has been replaced by slate. Slate from India. Tumbled slate, mosaic slate, slate pavers. My bare feet caress the cool roughness of stone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dressed in an abeurgine colored silk negligee and matching robe, both trimmed in black lace I dance to the regular beat of Baba Mall as I unpack boxes, take my time. Contemplate substance, texture of everything collected. Only I understand the full meaning of these items. Someday, someone will inherit all of this. Should I leave notes for them? “I bought this collection of fabric dolls from a little shop in Tallin..” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You would know that. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I take the mundane and turn it into something exquisite. This experience of moving. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Of music that touches me, rocks me elementally.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I bend to pick something up from the floor. My necklace, 18k gold, your name in Arabic, thin as a sheet of paper, falls in my mouth. I bite it gently. I remember when you bought this. Its history.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Yesterday I saw a ghost of you in WalMart. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">From the back, the way the girl stood at the counter, the way her pants were just a little too tight, her fleshy sides spilling out over the waistband, the color of her hair, the wave in it she tried to tame, the casually tense way she held herself. I walked past her, holding my breath, listening for your voice. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wanted her to be you. I wanted to go up to her, wrap my arms around, bury my nose in her neck, whisper, “I love you”, kiss her cheek.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was in the laundry soap aisle before I could breathe again. But I did not cry. I don’t count tearing up as crying anymore.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Rehanging pictures of you as a baby, resetting your baby shoes on their shelf, I feel the pull of your mouth, the movement of your tongue against my nipple hungry for nourishment. Our eyes meet. You smile. Milk pours out the side of your mouth. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Your sister texted me today. She is moving. She has a box of used sharps that were yours. Do I want them?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Not really. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I tell her she can dispose of them. Good luck on her move.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No reply.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Moving in. Moving out.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Moving in again I keep only the important stuff. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I arrange and rearrange. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Nothing ever goes back the same way it was. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I re create my space. My self. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Moving out. Moving in.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I disinfect, polish to perfect shine, leave no smears.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Before I can move away, dust collects again, begins to settle. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You are dust now. Ashes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Alone beneath the blanket I tucked around you at night, the Easter Bunny I gave you when you were two, the five and dime tiara.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In my closet. Hidden behind my suits and jackets.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was a mother.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am a mother.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Still.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This I cannot move in or out of.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you—Mom </span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-56389266261070929602012-03-10T10:52:00.000-08:002012-03-10T10:52:15.490-08:00Full Moon Rising<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Afpk0P4qzRA/T1uijTXtYDI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/afQ59_wtk-I/s1600/P1012372.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Afpk0P4qzRA/T1uijTXtYDI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/afQ59_wtk-I/s320/P1012372.JPG" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">March 10, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Friday night, as Steve and I left my house, making a right turn on <street w:st="on"><address w:st="on">Linwood street</address></street> I gasped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In front of us was a full moon climbing hills of sherbert clouds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Stop.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I demanded.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“What?” Steve asked looking in the rearview mirror and all around him for signs of impending collision.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“The moon.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him, pointing straight ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I can’t stop in the middle of the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s find a better view point.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The rising moon played hide and seek with us as we drove down 2<sup>nd</sup> Street, turned right on North Street, crossed the overpass leading to the long abandoned Olympia Brewery, turned right on the little side street leading to the entrance to I-5 North.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We never found a better viewpoint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We never stopped.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The moon stayed to the east of us, an ice ring rainbow encircling it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Since January 25 I have been a nomad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traveling from house to house with my toothbrush, a pillow, a change of clothes and Sadie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The water damage to the house has been a phenomenon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stove sits in the middle of the kitchen floor that is waiting to be tiled next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My pots and pans, mixing bowls, cooking utensils are all in boxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My silverware and dishes are covered in sawdust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The living room looks like a storage unit.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The only thing that remains intact is my sense of humor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And even that is lost amidst the chaos sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve has been studying the Indian tribes of <city w:st="on">Washington</city>, <state w:st="on">Idaho</state> and <state w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Oregon</place></state>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat down at a space cleared on my dining room table for the laptop computer and saw the home page for the <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Coeur d’Alene</place></city> tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clicked on the Warrior Society tab and read about tribe members who joined the military services in WWII, tribal members who serve our country now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clicked on the tab Culture.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">As I watched the moon rising, Steve driving my Subaru towards “our” other home (really his home) in Issaquah, I could not help but think of the tribe of <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Coeur d’Alene</city></place><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Indians.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mentioned this to Steve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The Homeland is still home. The place "where the old ones walked" includes almost 5,000,000 acres of what is now north <state w:st="on">Idaho</state>, eastern <state w:st="on">Washington</state> and western <state w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Montana</place></state>. The "old ones" were extremely wealthy from an Indian perspective, with everything they needed close at hand. Unlike the tribes of the plains, the <city w:st="on">Coeur d'Alene</city>'s and their neighbors, the <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Spokane</place></city>'s, the Kootenai, the Kalispel, the bands of the Colville Confederated Tribes and the Kootenai-Salish, or Flatheads, were not nomadic. <city w:st="on">Coeur d'Alene</city> Indian villages were established along the Coeur d'Alene, St. Joe, Clark Fork and <place w:st="on"><placename w:st="on">Spokane</placename> <placetype w:st="on">Rivers</placetype></place>. The homeland included numerous and permanent sites on the shores of <placetype w:st="on">Lake</placetype> <placename w:st="on">Coeur d'Alene</placename>, Lake Pend Orielle and <place w:st="on"><placename w:st="on">Hayden</placename> <placetype w:st="on">Lake</placetype></place>.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">All ancient tribal trade routes and paths remain today. In fact, those very same routes are still used all across the country. Today, however, we call those tribal routes "Interstate highways."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The reservation now is smaller than it used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much smaller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The website does not tell me how many acres, how much the tribe has lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking at the map, I understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are not always words for loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just is what it is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I wonder what the Old Ones thought when they saw a moon like this rising.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think out loud to Steve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am wondering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Thought?” Steve queried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I think they watched the phases of the moon, saw it disappear a sliver at a time, waited for it to reappear again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think they felt the ebb and flow of forces beyond their control, listened to the movement of those forces, followed the course of rivers as they flowed away from and towards something bigger than themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turned their faces to a whispering breeze and found shelter from howling winds.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am reading Annie Dillard’s book, <u>The Living</u>—a old fashioned novel about the <place w:st="on">Pacific Northwest</place> frontier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chapter One.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first part of the book is about <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Ada</place></city>’s loss of her son, Clare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three years old, Clare died after he fell from the wagon he was riding in and was run over by its wheels.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Children die year upon year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grief is invisible.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“The moon looks like a dilated pupil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pale white over the indigo sky looks like an iris—an iris ringed with dark red orange pigment.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell Steve.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I am an “Old One”, a pioneer woman, a mother now who watches the moon rising on this Friday night—full, bright, ringed with an icy rainbow of color.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I try to pay attention to the ebb and flow of forces beyond my control, the way a river flows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turn my face toward a breeze and listen intently trying to discern what it is telling me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seek shelter from howling winds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I miss you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no shelter from that.</span></div><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Love you Andie—Mom</span>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-3790303783469721982012-02-12T14:09:00.001-08:002012-03-10T10:59:08.963-08:00Obituaries <style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">February 12, 2012<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dear Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What can you tell me about death?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About dying?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This morning I read <u>The Issaquah Press</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I skimmed through the news on the first page about free health screenings at the Health Fair yesterday, Senatorial support for same-sex marriage bill; looked at the color picture of Julie<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clegg, pet photographer on the first page of Community Section; noted Squak Mountain Nursery was having free seminars on pruning trees, planning roses and starting seedlings.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It wasn’t until I got to page B3 that anything really piqued my interest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>OBITUARIES</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marcella Louise Antonich-Layman known by family and friends as Marcy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marcella was your middle name.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She shared the obituary column with Richard Leander Ingertila and Laurel “Lolly” Anne Snedeker .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story of each life summed up in 6 to 9 small paragraphs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have read the obit Steve wrote for his wife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I write you letters all day long on my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to remember the genes you took from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Catalogue them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sum them up into neat small paragraphs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fitting obituary for you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I contemplate death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone around me represents potential loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>6-9 paragraphs in the obit section. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve read me something he saw on his Facebook last night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It read Dear Pessimist and Optimist, while you were arguing over whether the glass was half empty or if it was half full, I drank it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sincerely, the Opportunist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Everyone around me represents a connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those I knew before you died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those I have met after.</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I could not write your obit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not sum you up in 6 to 9 paragraphs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dean did that for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not read what he wrote, studied it like I am studying Marcy’s, Richard’s and Lolly’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I saw your name under the heading, <u>OBITUARIES</u> nothing else would register.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The letters did not fit together to form words, sentences, paragraphs, anything I could comprehend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I could see were just black marks on a page.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dean went out and bought a stack of <u>The Olympian’s</u> on the day it ran the picture and paragraphs of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was irate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The paper misspelled Lyme disease as Lime disease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to get him to stop his tirade—“fucking morons, imbeciles, what the hell is lime disease, people are going to think Andrea died of too many limes, too many margaritas.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was crying, vibrating with all the pitches of sorrow wanting to escape from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Please.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Just forget it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Leave it.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Fucking morons, imbeciles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could they get that wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I specifically spelled it out for them.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He flapped the paper and it made slapping, snapping noises that hurt my ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in so much pain it hurt to move from one minute to the next.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Jake intervened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hey it could be worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was watching this show and Aunt Mildred died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They sent her nephew to the paper with her obituary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the way he read it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aunt Mildred was remembered as a devoted wife, loving mother, sister, grandmother and friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Wait,’ the nephew thought, ‘they don’t acknowledge that she was also an aunt.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he got to the newspaper, he<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>put a comma after grandmother, deleted friend, put a comma in after friend and added ‘beloved aunt.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next day a family member brought a stack of newspapers over so everyone could read the obit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They all sat there reading quietly until they got to the friend, and ‘beloved cunt.’</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Maybe this morning I am looking for typographical errors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Though I did not realize at the time, Jake’s story taught me I could find something hysterically sad and hysterically funny in the same moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My first lesson, in death and dying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lesson I wake up with every morning, it follows me through my day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I refrain from counting all my losses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones I could see coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones I did not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am trying hard to focus on what I have.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Marcy will be remembered by all for her love of family, friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And laughter. She is survived by her husband, daughter, son, granddaughters.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Richard was a parachute jumper in the United States Navy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is survived by his loving wife Marie, son and grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Lolly was a Norwegian beauty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She will be treasured for her love, kindness, elegance, wisdom, endless patience and strength, and will be dearly missed by all who knew and loved her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">What could anyone tell me about death, about dying?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am learning, even as I live.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you Andrea.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There are not enough pages, enough words for me to write an obit for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-6159966439534275592012-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:002012-01-29T15:13:11.826-08:00Droid Astronomy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JpB-HXfKr2o/TyXRDwn8z-I/AAAAAAAAAJk/NFqh0Bdxa0E/s1600/CIMG1249.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JpB-HXfKr2o/TyXRDwn8z-I/AAAAAAAAAJk/NFqh0Bdxa0E/s320/CIMG1249.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">January 29, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Good Sunday Morning Andrea—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A shear veil of rain surrounds Steve’s house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lake is full, overflowing, creating a small pond, its surface echoing falling raindrops.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The trees, stripped of all pretenses, stand bare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Broken limbs, some big around as my waist, lay everywhere, a testament to forces beyond my control.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Since you died I have been searching for order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a way to explain your death in a way that makes sense to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a way to incorporate the incorporatable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am giving up my search for order.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Surrendering it to forces beyond my control.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do not need to understand, explain, rationalize, apologize .</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I can just be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Except your death surrounds me like the dome of stars I laid under last Sunday at the dark beach at Barking Sands.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Oh my Gosh—you would be so amazed at what you can do with a phone now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can take your I Phone, or your Droid—did you die before or after the I Phone or the Droid? I cannot remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Anyway, there are apps for the I Phone, the Droid that you can download.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have that app, you point your phone at the light shining in the night sky and it will tell you the name of the planet or the star you are facing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The map outlines constellations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Names stars and planets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never have to stand on a dark night and wonder, what is that shining in the distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I can know.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Knowledge is a choice.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Holding the phone up to the night sky, I am at the center of my universe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am one small speck on a slightly tilted turning globe of land and water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A satellite can track my existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My presence in<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>physical relation to everything else on this planet. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Every choice, every act, is significant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I start each day now, expecting nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The anticipation of surprise propels me forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough, I am rewarded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Days run together, undefined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find myself sometimes in unexpected places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am changed when I become aware.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Like the pond rippled with raindrops, everything around me changes until it dissipates.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">When I surrender, I am strongest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only then am I aware of all my weaknesses, those things I must protect.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The memories of you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is essential that I cry out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am in the process of delivery.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Delivering myself from the weight of grief so I can cradle it in my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She who has gone before, my new friend, midwife’s me in my grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-acH1P5ZIlc8/TyXSH4s45vI/AAAAAAAAAJs/hxoDS0F9bcU/s1600/P1020135.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-acH1P5ZIlc8/TyXSH4s45vI/AAAAAAAAAJs/hxoDS0F9bcU/s320/P1020135.JPG" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We talk about you, her son, knowing everything the heart cannot speak and how delicious it is to wrap your names around our tongues like the first time we named you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Barry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Andrea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We taste the vowels and consonants <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sitting on the beach together sifting sand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love, loss, memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Shells, no bigger than a figment of my imagination, collected, will transport me back to this moment from some future point in time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Last Sunday night Steve and I took our Droid’s, two pillows, beach towels and a blanket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Barefooted, I followed him out to the shore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We wanted to lay flat, explore the universe above us, around us as the day and tide retreated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">On the bed we made on sand and lumps of vegetation, we held our phones above naming stars, constellations, planets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jupiter was following Venus who had just passed below the western horizon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I laid as perfectly still as I could, held my breath, opened my eyes as wide as I could, focused on nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was then I could see myself in the middle of a 360 degree circle –a horizon encircling me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The darkness, punctuated with specks of light varying in intensity. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Each light has a name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its name has been spoken back to the first awareness of its meaningful existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A place to navigate from, to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Passed from tongue to tongue in breath, in sound, in song, in kiss. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My birth sign, Gemini, is above us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I move my phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Find Mars.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Saturn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spica, the star.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I do not trust my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me, pressed against the earth by the centrifugal force of movement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The earth spins on its axis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sky appears to be moving.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Directionally confused here, I cannot feel north, south, east, west.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am at an intersection where earth meets water, meets air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cool breeze blows over me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I count five falling stars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five falling stars for this woman born in the 5<sup>th</sup> month of 1955.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Five secret wishes only my heart knows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And you, Andrea--Saturn and the Spica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two ships, whose helms you stood at out at sea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At breakfast my friend Jean, her husband, tell me “Oh that was an ‘oh hi mom’.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You are so much more than just a memory.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I see ripples of that everywhere.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sadie says to tell you hi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mom.</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-85402317851021931912012-01-28T21:00:00.000-08:002012-01-28T21:00:46.835-08:00Back from Vacation<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vzfoEk76LRA/TyTSK6yJilI/AAAAAAAAAJc/OWMTyN-qJD8/s1600/P1020146.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vzfoEk76LRA/TyTSK6yJilI/AAAAAAAAAJc/OWMTyN-qJD8/s320/P1020146.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">January 28, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hi Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Yes it has been awhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve and his neighbors are out picking up tree limbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is devastation from ice and snow and wind everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week, while the snow fell and ice covered trees breaking huge trunks and branches, froze pipes, left homes without power, Steve and I explored Kauai from the beach at Ke’e to Barking Sands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Purposefully, I unplugged from phones, computers, televisions, newspapers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got lost in the pursuit of solitude and sun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have not looked at the weather for Kauai, but I am certain the sun is shining there today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sand is pink speckled with miniscule bits of broken shells still sparkling from the receding tide, the dolphins are surfing the breaking waves, the shearwaters are diving for their daily meal, and a whale blows a plume--waves a pectoral fin, rolls over, then launches its massive body from the ocean, forms an arch and dives back in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I listen hard enough I can hear a rooster crowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A shama singing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hear the doves wings flutter as a tanned old man with long gray hair, held back in a ponytail sits in the sand throwing breadcrumbs in the air.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8g3ND_VqWwQ/TyTP58Sms6I/AAAAAAAAAJE/WQlYmyYAtg0/s1600/CIMG1318.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8g3ND_VqWwQ/TyTP58Sms6I/AAAAAAAAAJE/WQlYmyYAtg0/s320/CIMG1318.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Today I spent the day with Lisa and Annalise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next Saturday is Annalise’s first birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has two little teeth right in the middle of her lower gums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her laughter opens doors in my heart that would rather stay closed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love is risk.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">When Annalise polks her pudgy index finger in my mouth, I nibble it with my front teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She giggles, pulls her finger back, puts it in my mouth again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she teases me, holds her finger out, makes me come after it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I let out a little growl. Annalise<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>laughs with all her being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love is really all there is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is worth the risk.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the end, it is all we can take with us.</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">………………………………………..</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Last Monday night, my last night on Kauai, I slipped between cool sheets wearing nothing but Fig Leaf and Cassis lotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside, there was a breeze blowing towards the northwest--towards home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It rattled the wood blinds as it entered the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finding Steve and I curled up together, the breeze traveled the hills and valleys of our bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Back to back, I aligned by spine against Steve’s, pressed into the warmth of his sleeping body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He did not stir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I closed my eyes, let the sound of the outgoing tide, the eerie moan of the wedgetailed sheerwater escort me to the realm of sleep.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tuesday morning, 6 a.m. my alarm went off for the first time in 10 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At noon, Alaska Airlines Flight 852 would speed down the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>runway, lift in flight, travel the jet stream pushed to Sea-Tac by strong tailwinds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I hit the snooze button, buying five more minutes, I thought, “I could leave everything for this moment.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The alarm rang again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve stirred, rolled over, pressed his stomach into my back, tucked his knees in behind mine.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Mmmmmm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I felt delicious, ripe from seven full days of sunshine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I let out a small moan of pleasure as Steve ran his open palm over the rise of my hip.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You have no jammies on.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Mmmmmm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Let’s go for a walk on the beach.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve whispered as he nuzzled his nose behind my left ear.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Perfect.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because on this last morning, while the winter sun was still working its way over the southeast horizon 22 degrees from the Tropic of Cancer, a walk on the beach would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perfect.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wrapped myself in a pareo, dark blue with yellow flowers blooming on one edge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tied two ends criss-crossed around my neck, making it into a dress. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hand in hand we quietly left the little cottage at the beach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was still dark, in front of us the planet Mars was the brightest light in the western sky leading to the place where vegetation stopped, beach began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right over us was Saturn with its pronounced and visible rings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just off to the side was the star Spica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Saturn and Spica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>USS Saturn and USS Spica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have t-shirts, baseball caps, from those two ships you served on as an able bodied seawoman.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We stopped at the picnic table, the last point before beach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Facing the island Ni’hua, the channel where humpback whales spend winter days, where dolphins wait for the tide to change to feed in breaking waves, I turned my face toward Mars, navigated to your planet Saturn, star Spica, breathed deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The wind tugged at the corners of my makeshift pareo dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve, behind me, encircled me in his arms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The ocean rises with a single tear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Crying dissolves unseen parts of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I taste the salt of ocean spray as it falls from my eyes, making its way to waves broken at the steep drop before shore, still moving across a polished sandy beach until worn out.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Yesterday I saw my tears pass through a humpback whale that waved a pectoral fin, then blew a plume of water. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Humbly, bare, beneath a piece of cloth tied with one knot behind my neck, I invoked a blessing from sky, ocean, sand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From who ever, what ever, might be listening.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I turned to Steve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stood face to face with him under a sky still dark enough for stars and planets to show themselves as tiny specks of light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pulling apart the front of my makeshift dress, I exposed my most vulnerable self . </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My breasts that fed you, my belly that carried you, the passage to your birth.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am safe in a way I have never been with anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve pulled me close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Burying my face in his neck, he and I danced together as the sun rose over his left shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The stars and planets disappeared.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I accepted my blessing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">To know, to feel love, is worth the risk.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Love you Andie—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cTQ7Yjo4NkQ/TyTRLWPRZlI/AAAAAAAAAJU/eYjt2uySX-Q/s1600/CIMG1342.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cTQ7Yjo4NkQ/TyTRLWPRZlI/AAAAAAAAAJU/eYjt2uySX-Q/s320/CIMG1342.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-71535382318731139952012-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:002012-01-11T21:47:59.601-08:00Kauai Calls<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">January 11, 2012</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Hey Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Kauai</span><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> calls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I hear her and I will be there soon.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ez8mDEfIbpE/Tw5z1POcREI/AAAAAAAAAI8/GH0IEqSmRLI/s1600/CIMG1005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ez8mDEfIbpE/Tw5z1POcREI/AAAAAAAAAI8/GH0IEqSmRLI/s320/CIMG1005.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the meantime, this is a conversation I had with Steve via text messaging this evening:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I have never traveled for ten days w just a day pack </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">and carry on .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a challenge.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have horse packed into the Maroon Belles Wilderness Area in Colorado; into the Bob Marshall Wilderness in Montana.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have taken a dog to New York City for Westminster, twice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have gone to Finland, Russia, Sweden, Austria, the Czech Republic, Poland, Germany, Cleveland, Boston, Reno, Los Angeles, Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, La Paz, Norfolk, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Albuquerque, and places I have since forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">never</b> traveled light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traveling light requires planning, making choices.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Check Rick Steves’ website for suggestions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pack multi-</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">use articles and plan to wash them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four days socks & underwear max.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you wear a pair of hiking sneakers on the plane?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bring nothing “just in case”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A long pair of pants, a pair shorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You get the idea.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Only four pairs of underwear max?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only four pair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will close up my suitcase before he gets to count <u>anything</u>. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Bring nothing ‘just in case’”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My whole suitcase is full of clothing and items “just in case.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Because you never know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Bring nothing “just in case”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he kidding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if…How am I supposed to know what I want to wear next Tuesday, next Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a hard time with what to wear one day at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I totally have the idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Implementation of the concept is </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If goal is achieved you will have to recognize<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what a major achievement this is for me.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Congratulations on the effort.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A second later.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Subaru gets 22mpg.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve has no idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the first major trip he and I have taken together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flying to Palm Springs a year ago last Christmas does not count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Grandpa Veil had a stroke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was laying in the hospital, soon to be moved to hospice. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope he has found you, and grandma. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Rick Steves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I Google “rick steves packing list”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a separate packing list for women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want you can compare it to the men’s list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not so inclined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would be the point?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Apparently, when Rick first came up with his packing list, women complained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It did not account for all their needs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Which is why men should never be architects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that is an entirely different subject you and I shall discuss later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back to packing. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Checked out Rick’s packing list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says I can bring two </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">pair of shorts.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No reply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I need to account for all my needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And fit them all in a carry on and backpack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There are piles everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shirts, shorts, bathing suits, slacks, skirts, dresses, different color sandals to match each outfit. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Snorkel gear, cameras, camera chargers, colored pencils, a blank notebook, something to read.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have always carried more than I needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wrestling with the weight of it lugging it from place to place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weighing me down.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Wait, that shirt with the palm tree is really cute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might want to wear that next Saturday.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I check Rick’s list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4-5 shirts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I already have 7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a compromise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not taking 10—which is how many I wanted to bring.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The last time I went on vacation was the February after you died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I flew to Miami, met with a tour group—Senior Cycling, and bicycled the Florida Keys from Key Largo to Key West.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On that trip I UPS’d my bicycle, brought a backpack, a carry on and a large suitcase weighing 50 lbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the most and the heaviest luggage of anyone on the trip.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Remember when I used to fly to Norfolk when you lived there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only would I bring a carry on and a suitcase, but I would end up buying a suitcase at Marshall’s or Ross to carry all the clothes and other things I bought when you and I went shopping at the Outlet Mall and around Norfolk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You inherited the maximum amount of luggage gene from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never forget your tantrums every time you left home to meet a ship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could bring anything you wanted as long as it fit in your duffel and one other bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your favorite pillow and down comforter competed for space with nail polish, eye shadow, strappy shoes and a little dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there were the work clothes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I had no idea how much collected luggage you and I had until after you died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We never traveled light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anywhere.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And now it is a requirement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a test I must pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traveling light.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got everything in carry on and in backpack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Everything I need.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Love You Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Mom</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-54270949641882620552011-12-31T17:42:00.000-08:002011-12-31T17:42:11.649-08:00Birthday Wishes from Friends and Family<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JmYTO4i-lkE/Tv-zy1E4LKI/AAAAAAAAAIE/CKQ-CAFoHvQ/s1600/CIMG1108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JmYTO4i-lkE/Tv-zy1E4LKI/AAAAAAAAAIE/CKQ-CAFoHvQ/s320/CIMG1108.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Happy 30th Birthday....Remembering E.T. toes, SNICK, cross-country skiing, dress up, and so much more. I miss you so much Andie.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love ,</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eddie :0)</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s05mUZM4CMA/Tv-0GHWDfII/AAAAAAAAAIQ/XqRB6FwePkU/s1600/CIMG1115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s05mUZM4CMA/Tv-0GHWDfII/AAAAAAAAAIQ/XqRB6FwePkU/s320/CIMG1115.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Andrea,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Happy 30<sup>th</sup> birthday!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your mom has put together quite a celebration!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all here to enjoy each other’s company, share our memories of you, and of course to devour your mom’s amazing cooking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s serving posole, your favorite.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">God has you in his arms and we all have you in our hearts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your missed!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Lisa and family</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LgVtE6fYcQc/Tv-0Y-wbgsI/AAAAAAAAAIc/4DL2XS3aloI/s1600/CIMG1107.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LgVtE6fYcQc/Tv-0Y-wbgsI/AAAAAAAAAIc/4DL2XS3aloI/s320/CIMG1107.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Happy Birthday Andrea, remembering you today and everyday. I hope that you are teaching the angles how to be pirates and keeping watch on your mom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Grandpa and Mari</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBGTeBSx_PQ/Tv-3SJzKP0I/AAAAAAAAAI0/5HcT4vKvVHY/s1600/CIMG1110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBGTeBSx_PQ/Tv-3SJzKP0I/AAAAAAAAAI0/5HcT4vKvVHY/s320/CIMG1110.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"> My friend Ami gave me a card she made. It says:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have not turned my back on you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So there is no need to cry.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I'm watching you from heaven</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Just beyond the morning sky.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I've seen you almost fall apart</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">When you could barely stand.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I asked an angel to comfort you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And watched her take your hand.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She told me you are in more pain</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Than I could ever be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">then gave your hand for me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Although you may not feel my touch</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Or see me by your side.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I've whispered that I love you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">While I wiped each tear you cried.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So please try not to ache for me</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">We'll meet again one day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Beyond the dark and stormy sky</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A rainbow lights the way.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">--Author Unknown.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You told us--"If I'm smiling, you should be smiling too."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I feel you missing me as much as I miss you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">An angel watches over me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I'm not sure when I'll get there kid. I still have lots to do.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Love you--Mom</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-16940752667617809222011-12-31T10:45:00.000-08:002011-12-31T10:45:38.232-08:00Happy Birthday Baby Girl<!--[if !mso]> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NmOcLmdUxhw/Tv9XzxFOr_I/AAAAAAAAAH4/ngYxw5VSa9I/s1600/Baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NmOcLmdUxhw/Tv9XzxFOr_I/AAAAAAAAAH4/ngYxw5VSa9I/s320/Baby.jpg" width="235" /></a></div><h6><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></h6><h6><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">December 31, 2011</span></span></h6><h6><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Two twelve a.m. December 31, 2011 I cannot sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I make myself a cup of tea, pull the chair up to my desk, check Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a post from your friend Edwina.</span></span></h6><h6><span class="messagebody"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Andrea would be 30 years old in less than 2 hours. I miss her so much. The tears are rolling down my face as I type this. for the 2 years before she pissed away she always told me two things,"i will never get a chance to have kids" and "i won't live to see my 30th birthday." It hurts my heart to know she was right. Andrea you are missed by many. Happy Birthday. I will love you always.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></h6><form> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=583310642">Edwina Pezoldt-Smith</a> <span class="commentbody">oops blurred vision from tears I meant passed not pissed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">3 hours ago · <span class="defaultmessage">Like</span><span class="commentlike28997334fsmfwnfcg"> · <a href="http://www.facebook.com/browse/likes/?id=10151103567410643" title=""><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><img border="0" height="1" src="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/SHERRY%7E1.CHE/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.gif" width="1" /></span>1</a></span></div></form><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Your cousin Lisa sends you birthday wishes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She writes</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="commentbody">“Why is no one sleeping??”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="commentbody">And a birthday wish—“God has you in his arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have you in our hearts.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="commentbody">I need to find the box of pirate paper plates and napkins for tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are buried somewhere in the garage, along with all your papers and possessions I am storing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The garage is full, overwhelming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Searching, I find a pile of notes I made, and printouts of things you posted on Facebook, MySpace, your Tweets.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="commentbody">I find something you wrote on April 9, 2009.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five months before you died.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Future…new option for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized during my break that I’d been living in anticipation of dying…I’ve thrown out the earlier calculations that I wouldn’t make it past 30, and at my 27<sup>th</sup> birthday dinner, I proposed a toast to the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mentioned how happy we’d all be the day I turn 31…Now there’s a milestone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friends dread turning 30, when I think my 30s will be the happiest decade of my life….</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am up because Steve and I were playing Scrabble serenaded by the sound of dishes in the washer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The steady syncopated beat and swishing water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We play a relaxed game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make up our own rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not know why we keep score.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Playing Scrabble with Steve is never about the winning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has fallen asleep in the chair in front of the fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stella lays out flat as she can make herself absorbing the warmth of the tile hearth. Sadie sleeps beside me at my desk.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I also find your Beatrix Potter baby book—<u>A Tale of Baby’s Days</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I open it and find two ultrasound photos—one taken on October 7, 1981.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second December 28, 1981.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your Certificate of Baptism from Saint Anthony’s Church in Kent, Washington on February 20, 1982.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A list of THINGS TO PACK FOR LAMAZE BAG (KEEP WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first thing on the list is Focal Point.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I need that focal point now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where is it?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In my handwriting I added to the list—extra pillows, wash cloth, footies, Baby Book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">A card that was attached to a bouquet of pink roses from your dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To the Treasure of our Hearts.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">An envelope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3-16-84.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Andrea’s First haircut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a few locks of your hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held that envelope in my hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could not open it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some reason all I can think of is my trip to Poland several years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The room of hair at Auschwitz.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How I could not move, was paralyzed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The locks of hair brought the magnitude of loss, of the atrocity home to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put the envelope down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot open it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">My hospital bracelet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yours.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The card they had on your bassinet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Date of Birth 12-31-81.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Time:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>7:37 a.m.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Weight 7 lbs. 2 oz.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Length 20 inches.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Valley General Hospital Certificate of Birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This document should be carefully preserved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is your family’s heirloom record of the facts pertaining to your child’s birth.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Baby’s left footprint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baby’s right footprint.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Your first smile was on January 29, 1982.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4 weeks old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On March 29 you rolled over from back to front.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On May 31 your rolled over front to back.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">On April 1, 1981 you laughed out loud for the first time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">On August 7 you got your first tooth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At six months you sat up on your own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 7 months you crawled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 11 months you walked alone.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sometimes I feel you missing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or is it just me missing you?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Close my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathe in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathe out.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is you missing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You, holding a My Little Pony up to your face in the snow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smiling a smile as big as Kansas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The caption reads “If I am smiling, you should be smiling too.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Enough of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It must be 32 degrees outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hear the hot tub pump come on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I strip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leave my clothes in a pile by the patio slider, wrap myself in a big beach towel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Immersing myself in the steaming 100 degree water, I melt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Float in a womb of warmth, feel the breeze brushing my hair, caressing my cheeks.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">30 years ago I laid alone in a hospital room at this hour, laboring, waiting to give birth to you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Focusing on my focal point as contractions seized my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathing in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathing out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Resting in between.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">7:37 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>December 31, 2011.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thirty years have come and gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There is no place in your baby book to record your death.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">THINGS TO PACK FOR DAUGHTER’S DEATH (KEEP WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES).</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Whatever you decide to bring, pack lightly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The journey is a long one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Happy Birthday Baby Girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Happy Birthday.</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-36376068214817446752011-12-30T17:09:00.000-08:002011-12-30T17:09:27.046-08:00The eve of your 30th Birthday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iRVHWVRV7cI/Tv5gLO_FR5I/AAAAAAAAAHU/Fgp01e0GIbA/s1600/DSCN0552.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iRVHWVRV7cI/Tv5gLO_FR5I/AAAAAAAAAHU/Fgp01e0GIbA/s320/DSCN0552.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">December 30, 2011</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sadness stalks me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel its breath on my neck, traveling along the crease where my earlobe meets my head. It paralyzes me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot scream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My vocal cords will not work. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tonight I have no energy to fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My constant vigilance, avoidance, cost me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve just begun the tally. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I count each tear as it falls onto my lap. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I will give in to this stalker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I no longer want to be the prey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let it have its way with me all it will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Devour me with the fervor of a hungry lover. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I writhe and revel in sweet surrender.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This will not be the last time we meet.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I feel like I have been transported back to past, to that afternoon the Graham Firefighter told me over the phone, “I’m sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was nothing we could do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m really sorry.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I feel like I felt at your Memorial Service on the steamship Virgina V.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wore sunglasses to hide the fact that I was crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot hide sobbing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I want to hold my breath until my body screams “Breathe . Breathe .” and I tell it no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body will take over, win the fight.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I want to stand outside naked in the rain and scream until my throat is raw and I cannot make any sound except a whimper. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Your Birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On New Year’s Eve you would be 30.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could you just imagine the party we would have?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I decided to have a get togethereven though you won’t be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am making you homemade flour tortillas, posole and pirate cupcakes—vanilla ice cream on the side.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I guess maybe I should get some balloons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some Happy Birthday Banners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Aren’t the pirate cupcakes enough?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Always more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always wanting to do more to show you how much I love you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Remember your 5<sup>th</sup> birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were living in UW student housing out at Sandpoint in Seattle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made you that dinosaur piñata you wanted out of newspaper, flour glued over balloons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t figure out how to attach the head to a really long neck and join it to the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I painted it a royal blue color.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a miracle the whole thing hung together suspended from the ceiling its dinosaur neck drooping, threatening to fall off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All your friends were blindfolded and batted at the thing with all the force a five year old could muster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how many blows were dealt, it would not come apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact we had to take it down and stomp on it to finally get it to break—which totally defeated the whole candy flying purpose of a piñata. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Birthdays were special times.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">They always will be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sweet cupcakes now laced with salty tears.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Do you remember that book we both read?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>A Girl Named Zippy</u>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I picked up <u>The News Tribune</u> from the driveway yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the front page was an article <u>‘Zippy,’ the girl killed by a tree</u>…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately thought of you, the book, and how we laughed and talked about Zippy like she was member of our family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The story of this Zippy in <u>The News Tribune</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>only makes me sadder than I already am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A 9 year old girl died on Christmas day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was riding in the back seat of her parent’s SUV when a 15 foot long, 1 foot across section of alder tree broke free during a windstorm and crushed the family car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her father, who was riding in the passenger seat in front of her, suffered a broken neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her two older sisters have<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>scratches and sore necks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the car came to a stop Zippy’s mother got out, climbed in the back seat, and held her dying daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She held the child she had given birth to as she breathed her last breath.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I don’t know how soon a person can get over this” the paper quotes Zippy’s grandfather as saying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want to call him on the phone and tell him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Never.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">That is the myth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The expectation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take an acceptable amount of time to grieve, and then move on.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sadness stalks me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grief its co-conspirator.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">An acceptable amount of time to grieve.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">How soon can a person get over this?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Why should anyone expect them to?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is your birthday tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Dark chocolate mocha cupcakes are baking in the oven, filling the house with promises of sweetness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Later I will frost and decorate them for you. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tomorrow I will get up in the morning and light 30 candles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will watch the flames flicker as I try to remember every birthday I celebrated with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When there is almost nothing left of the wick and wax, I will blow them out and make a wish.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Then wait for the guests to arrive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Happy Birthday Andrea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span>Love you—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-55986718941606783882011-12-26T11:08:00.000-08:002011-12-26T11:08:22.782-08:00Christmas Eve 2012<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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" /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">December 24, 2011</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The best time to see Orion’s belt from the Northern hemisphere is now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Late fall and winter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every year.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But you have to go outside to see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to leave the camaraderie of candle lit table and picked over dishes of cooling duck, wild rice, roasted vegetables.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to leave the comfort of laughter and mingling conversations over coffee and Norwegian sugar cookies as everyone waits to see which package belongs to them, what is in it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wait to give my gifts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am not an outsider here anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But is the first time I have met Stephie’s boyfriend Zach’s family—at least all together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am overwhelmed, retreat to my womb, the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is where I comfort and create.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sighed as my hands slipped into hot sudsy dishwater.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held onto a stack of dirty plates, felt the weight of them pull my biceps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve came in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Whatcha doin’ in here bayyybeee?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is full of “Christmas cheer”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I thought I’d do the dishes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The plates rested on the bottom of the sink now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lifted my hands, searched for a sponge a rag..</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“You don’t have to do that”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I want to.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’ll help.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve grabbed a dishtowel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You wash, I rinse and dry.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Zach’s dad turned on the electric organ in the living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Full blast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The floor vibrates with sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four or five people are pushing sound effect buttons while someone pounds out multiple notes in no particular order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Was it one steel guitar or two joining in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not tell, as I stood there paralyzed in a cataclysm of sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I’ll get your coat,” Steve said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Now would be a good time to go look at all the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I nodded my head yes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve grabbed me firmly by my upper arms, kissed me on the forehead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You wait right here.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In the cold, wet air, I caught my breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two houses down, an older gentleman—a grandfather, a father, a brother (I did not ask and do not know)--stood drinking a cup of something hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could see the steam spiraling from the cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was looking up at an inky star studded sky.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">On a plaid folded blanket, on the lawn, a young girl of 12 or 13 sat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her head tilted back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She too was scanning the sky, trying to find exactly the star the man was pointing to.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looked up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tried to see if I could figure out what the man was pointing at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Why are we stopping?” Steve asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“I don’t know.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“There is something in the sky.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was jealous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jealous of this moment this man was having with this young girl on a starlit Christmas Eve night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I interjected myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want to say curiosity got the best of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is how I will tell the story to everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you, you know the truth, don’t you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the truth was I wanted to become part of their moment.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">As we approached the man and girl I said--with a perfect mix of tentativeness and tenacity, “Excuse me.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The man and the girl looked at me, questions in their eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before they could fully form them, I asked “What are you looking at?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Orion’s Belt.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The young girl said, turning her attention back to the sky.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Orion’s Belt?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those three bright stars make up Orion’s Belt.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I followed the length of his arm to the point of his index finger, caught a glimpse of what he was showing me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Thank you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“See?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right there.” He continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“One, two, three.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">One, two, three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alnitaka, Mintaka and Alnilam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Orion’s Belt.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Darn—wait.” He said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“In a minute you’ll be able to see all three again.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cloud was passing over Alnilam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That will pass over in a minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those clouds have been passing over the belt all night.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Trusting in something bigger, more predictable than me, trusting this stranger’s knowledge, and trusting Steve, whose hand was holding mine, I stood, eyes focused, scanning for bright constellations, a bright star.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A guide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To lead me through this night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This night of a thousand memories of you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Orion’s Belt. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Osiris.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I quietly left after I located Orion’s Belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt as if I had stolen into enough of moments from this man and young girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To stay any longer would have been an intrusion.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">But if I had stayed longer, he might have<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>pointed out Osiris.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw Osiris then, although I did not know that was what I was seeing at the time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Osiris.</span></div><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10.0pt;">"Osiris's coming was announced by Three Wise Men: the three stars Mintaka, Anilam, and Alnitak in the belt of Orion, which point directly to Osiris's star in the east, Sirius (Sothis), significator of his birth."</span><br />
<div align="right" style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10.0pt;">Barbara Walker, <i>The Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets</i> (749)</span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10.0pt;">"So this was the harbinger of the annual inundation of the Nile through her appearance with the rising sun at the time when the inundation was due to begin. The bright star would therefore naturally become, together with the conjoined constellation of Orion, the sign and symbol of new vegetation which the Year then beginning would infallibly bring with it."</span><br />
<div align="right" style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10.0pt;">Dr. John Gwyn Griffiths, <i>The Origins of Osiris and His Cult</i> (157)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The sign and symbol of new blah blah blah which the Year then beginning would infallibly bring with it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The sign and symbol of new.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">the Year</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">then beginning</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">will </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">infallibly</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">bring with it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Osiris was an Egyptian God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The God of afterlife, the underworld, the dead.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The appearance of Osiris is associated with the cycles observed in nature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Osiris brought the hope of new life after death.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">New life after death.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">That is my gift to myself this year at Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Permission to live and grieve at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To find the balance, if there is one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">In this I learn what I always tried to teach you—the greatest gift is always in the giving.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Peace is a gift I can only get if I give it to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Peace.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It was a gift I always wanted for you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The streets are quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All but a few are where they are going to be tonight, Christmas Eve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve and I have the sidewalks, the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lawn of the Capital to ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stop, jointly critique each home’s display for its balance and aesthetic qualities or unbridled tackiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We admire Christmas trees, backlit by living rooms filled with friends and family and crazy relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Standing on the sidewalk with my hand in Steve’s, I would not trade places with any of them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Back at Stephie’s the 20-30 year olds are out smoking cigarettes and visiting on the front porch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Are we holding up the present unwrapping?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve asks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Nope.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zach answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let’s do that now.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I have already given and received my present.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I saw Osiris.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I see a new life after a death.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight I take unbridled joy from the greatest gift of all—the giving. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Merry Christmas Andie</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom</span></div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-13663039130638150582011-12-23T19:35:00.000-08:002011-12-23T19:35:09.864-08:00Christmas Eve Eve<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">December 23, 2011</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Christmas Eve is tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I thought if I could keep myself busy, everything would be ok this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">There is no busy enough. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I miss you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I miss you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I miss you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The presents are all wrapped, including the one I bought myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting ready to write cards to go with everything all those memories of holidays past have hit me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am an undecorated snowwoman melting one tear at a time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Here, alone in my house , Enya’s Christmas album in the back ground I am filled with thoughts of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did this happen?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">How did I get here to this eve of Christmas Eve with Sadie sleeping at my feet, Stella a live cat rug in front of the fireplace?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Steve will be here soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not want him to see me crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am afraid I cannot stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body quakes with sorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This will pass.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I know that now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">So the greatest gift I can give myself this year is time to let grief be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To allow myself these memories of you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Christmas Eve 1981.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I place the palm of my hand on my stomach, the place my womb used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember my belly stretched round with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your head cradled in my pelvis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knees, elbows rolling across my abdomen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feet poking me in the ribs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Silent night.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Mary was a mother just like me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether you believe in Jesus Christ or God or not, she was a mother who cradled her baby boy in her arms, fed him at her breast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a mother who<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>watched her newborn baby sleeping at night, checked to make sure he was breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a mother who watched her son roll over, sit, say his first work, walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She fed him, bathed him, clothed him, worried over him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She watched him grow into a man.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Holy night.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">All is calm.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The calm before the storm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Did she know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The summer before you died I felt it in my bones.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am trying to remember the rest of the song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Frustrating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot remember the rest of the words.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I close my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep singing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is hard to sing and cry.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Silent night, holy night…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">A child is born that will die and leave his mother heartbroken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is all I can think of.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The rest of the words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I get to the last sentences.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">"Sleep in heavenly peace.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sleep in heavenly peace." </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just breathe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Merry Christmas Andrea.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Be in heavenly peace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12pt;">I love you. That is my gift this Christmas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 12pt;">Mom</span>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019157574200597142.post-65223328015969965672011-12-11T15:05:00.000-08:002011-12-11T15:05:50.342-08:00The Holidays<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BL0Rc43Ykp8/TuU2bSz39CI/AAAAAAAAAGc/ErydmR4fHjM/s1600/2011+tree.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BL0Rc43Ykp8/TuU2bSz39CI/AAAAAAAAAGc/ErydmR4fHjM/s320/2011+tree.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">December 11, 2011</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Good Morning Andrea—</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Lately, I have noticed how beautiful fog can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enveloping everything in misty gray.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything is muted in mist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Becomes a little darker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Tonight, Compassionate Friends has a world candle lighting event for parents who have had children die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to Cinderella with your Aunt Karen, your cousin Lisa and her daughter Alicia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will light a candle for you before I leave.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Bare tree limbs are coated with moss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fluorescent green that glows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A tree house nestled in the branches of a big leaf maple—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">acer macrophyllum</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love the sound of Latin names for things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I am torn between wanting to put on hat, gloves and mittens—walking on this late autumn morning, and, turning up the electric blanket, curling up under it and reading the Carl Hiassen book I started three days ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am having a little trouble following all the quirky characters, though. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it will all coalesce at some point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is 32 degrees outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sitting at the dining room table at Steve’s house in a pair of your pajamas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones with the Christmoose and Christmas trees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve and Stephie are eating leftover turkey enchiladas (your favorite) for breakfast this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will have the cookies Steph and I baked last night for dessert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dessert is not just for dinner anymore.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I wish Christmas did not feel like such an obligation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I could do it when I am ready for it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I want to lay under the warmth of my down comforter, read, watchmovies, eat spice drops and Cheetos in<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bed until December passes and the New Year is well under way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sadie would be happy to curl up next to me, and Stella would lay on my chest soothing me with the sound of purring.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Sometimes I wonder who the caretaker really is, in my relationship with Stella and Sadie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They soothe me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sadie seems to read my moods and comes to comfort me when my anxiety ramps up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lays her head on my lap and looks up at me with her little brown button eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Stella’s purr is like a meditation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lays on my chest, head resting under my chin, vibrating with sound that moves throughout my body, soothing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I thought about putting up your artificial Christmas tree again this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is still in the box, though, on the top row of shelves in my garage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last year, I put it up with the help of friends on Thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I tried to find the nativity set you loved in all the Christmas decorations, but gave up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We always read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You and your sister always took turns putting the baby in his cradle<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>after we talked about why Christmas is celebrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then we would open presents.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It was hard to look at years of Christmases past in red round bulbs and strings of wooden cranberries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, last year, Stella kept stealing the baby Jesus from the crèche. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary, Joseph and the Wise Men sat by passively as <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stella played football with him on the maple floors in the living and dining rooms.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">No tree this year at my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No lights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No stockings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No crèche. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only decoration I will put up at my house is a wreath on the front door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At Steve’s house it is different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last weekend he and I put up a small tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We bought a 4 foot noble fir at a church lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the first tree we purchased and decorated together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He took down the bins of decorations from their garage shelf and we sorted through bubble lights that that used to illuminate his parents’ tree, through bulbs a girlfriend gave him 40 years ago, an angel he and his wife and Stephie had on trees together.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">After he told me the history of his ornaments, I told him our tree reminded me of the first Christmas you, your sister and I celebrated in that tiny apartment in Cambridge, Massachusetts that looked out on the Charles River.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">1997</span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Thanksgiving came with its promise of candy canes, jolly old men in red suits and white beards in department stores, an orange in the toe of stockings hung by the fire with care, nuts—still in their shells—in wooden bowls with picks and nutcrackers, twinkling lights—the Holiday Season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Jolly old Saint Nicholas, lean your ear this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t you miss a single word, I’m about to say.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You were 6—just about to turn 7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beginning to question Santa Clause.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">This was our first Christmas away from Seattle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to Wikipedia, </span><span class="st">The total </span><em>distance</em><span class="st"> from </span><em>Boston to Seattle</em><span class="st"> is 2484 </span><em>miles</em><span class="st">. This is equivalent to 3997 kilometers or 2158 nautical </span><em>miles</em><span class="st">. </span><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">That is if you travel by air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Driving I-94W and I-90W it is 3044.1 miles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were across a continent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cambridge is right next to Boston.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Leaving everything behind to make the move from welfare mom to Harvard Law, I had not brought Christmas decorations to our new home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I had no idea where, or if we would find a Christmas tree.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">You may recall, for those three years your sister, you and I lived in Cambridge, we had no car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every two weeks the three of us would take the grocery wheelie along the Charles River to Star Market for milk, cereal, meat, carrots, pasta.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t remember how far Star Market was, or how long it took us to walk there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just remember walks listening to you and your sister, watching the two of you.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Time passed too quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have paid more attention to the details.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I was a Harvard Law student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A single parent subsisting on student loans—my mortgage for a future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Christmas Eve is coming soon, now you dear old Man.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">At criminal law, contracts, civil procedure class, I wondered what I had gotten myself into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like an imposter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like I did not belong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like someone might figure out I had recently been a single mom on welfare, food stamps, medical aid, Section 8 subsisted housing—and when they did—I’d be asked to leave. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I felt like I was not at all entitled.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I felt like going back home to nothing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Carolyn Schute saved me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was being interviewed because of her novel <u>The Beans of Egypt, Maine</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said two things that have always resonated with me—one a sentence, one a short story of an analogy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">First, she said, “People don’t realize, us poor people, we work hard for what we don’t have.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">And then the interviewer asked Carolyn what made her different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How was she able to break the mold and become an author.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Carolyn thought a moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then she started in something to the effect of “It’s like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you ever sat and watched a box of kittens?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of them, they are content to wrestle and play with each other within their well defined world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there’s always one of them kittens that is not content, that is not happy, that believes there is more than what is in the box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That little kitten is always by herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reaching up, trying to find a way up and over the walls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And one day, she discovers she can get out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot ever get her to stay in the box again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That kitten—the one who made it out of the box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Her words hit me like lightening.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">That kitten—the one who made it out of the box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The box was behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt its presence, though I could not see it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any sense of security I thought it offered was false.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It still called to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Poverty was never a choice I consciously made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I left Harvard Law School, poverty would be a choice I was making.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">My mind wanders this December 2011 morning, sitting at the dining room window, looking at this fog filled morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve has hung Christmas lights outside on the patio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They twinkle.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I always had to protect you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to be stronger than I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could never let you see me vulnerable.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Whisper what you’ll bring to me. “</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">December 1987.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You, your sister, me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without one Christmas decoration or a tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Three blocks from our apartment, across the street from the Charles River, there was a plant nursery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’d stop there sometimes on our way to Star Market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’d choose seeds, plants and bulbs for an imaginary garden—a garden we might have someday.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Walking past there, the first Saturday in December, you and your sister got excited at the sight of cut trees behind the Garden Center’s chain link fence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“We’ll come back later.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Right now, we have to get groceries.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The garden center, a little green building with large glass windows flanking the front door, was open til 5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After we put the groceries away, and had a snack, we bundled up to get our Christmas tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">The trees were all tagged—“Grown in Washington”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like us, these noble firs and pines and firs had traveled across the continent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You two girls were intoxicated by the smell of Washington greenery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was flabbergasted by the price tags, and you two became more and more deflated as I had to veto your choice of trees in the $75.00 and above category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw a stand of 3-4 foot trees and told you both, follow me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">For ten dollars I bought one of the best Christmas trees I can remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was shorter than both you and Erin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Inside the Garden Center we bought a box of tinsel, 2 boxes of lights, paper thin red glass balls and hangers, and an angel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One small angel with dark hair, lacy wings, and a white lace dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">One small angel you saw sitting in a red box, with a clear lid on a shelf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You picked her up, brought her to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom, we have to have an angel.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Everybody needs an angel.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">From that year on, our angel sat on every tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Until you died.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">“Tell me what you’ll bring to me, whisper if you can…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is your turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell me what you remember about Christmas right now, this very moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">Whisper if you can.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">It is the day of world lighting, or world light for us parent’s whose children have died, and with them part of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I light my candle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watch the dancing flame. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It burns, sucks oxygen, bends then burns higher when I stop gently blowing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I will focus on light this holiday season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-euttrjw6Skc/TuU2kBKPQfI/AAAAAAAAAGk/vHH0RtcyVTE/s1600/Candle.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-euttrjw6Skc/TuU2kBKPQfI/AAAAAAAAAGk/vHH0RtcyVTE/s320/Candle.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";">I lit a candle for you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Handwriting";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Sherry Clark Petersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03364202809445714353noreply@blogger.com0