Heart Break

May 11, 2012

Last night when I kissed my dad on the cheek I promised I’d drop by tonight or in the morning.

Shery, I HAVE NOT blocked you from seeing your dad the SW did. I just wanted you to know that your dad wants to see you, but you have to speak with the social worker at the rehab. as well. I can't change it. Your dad knows NOTHING of what has happend since April 9 2010. He remembers nothing, If you want to see him make a appointment to see the SW and then you can see your dad.

Your dad wanted to know how you and I have gotten along. I told him that you and I have had a rough time, but we have gotten through it. Because it is not about you or me but it is getting your dad home. When you do see your dad after seeing the SW the only thing that he needs is happy positive thoughts because for the next 2 months he could have a major coranary or stroke...your dad has signed a DNR. I am sorry that it has worked out the way it has.

Sent May 10, 2012 from me via text message.

I would like to see my dad this afternoon around 3 or 4 this afternoon by myself.

I talked to the Social Worker.  There was no requirement I meet with her at the rehab.  My dad did want to see me.

Response May 10, 2012

Your dads medical condition is still very fragile.  You are welcome to come and see him but I will not be leaving his side.

Sent May 10, 2012 from me via text message

Then we can have a talk w social wker and staff when I get there.  I will not subject myself to any further emotional physical or verbal abuse by you.  You hanging up on me during a simple phone call proves that I am not safe from you animosity towards me.

Response May 10, 2012

I will still not be leaving his side and I will not allow you to do anything else to put him in jeopardy. 

My therapist tells me, “You did not marry her, your dad did.  Too bad he  has made so many poor choices in terms of his kids.” 

I take another Lorazepam. 

If I take two I cannot drive.

What do you make of all of this? 

I have choices.

I can subject myself to fights of will over seeing my dad, whether my visits have to be supervised or not, what I can and cannot talk to him about, what I can and cannot bring him.

I can subject myself to the further possibility of physical and verbal abuse. 

I can subject my dad to the hatred that vibrates the walls of his room—I have become the focus of all of his wife’s anger and frustration. 

I choose to let it all go. 

And wait.

My dad will get better.

Or he won’t.

My dad made his choice of partners.  In the end, she will be the director of his final days, whenever those may be.  

So far, in these days when he has been as close to death as anyone, three of his daughters have been driven away.

But she’s in charge, and damn it, everyone better fall in line with that.

No compromise, no consultation, no information.  Don’t talk to the doctors, don’t talk to the nurses.  I don’t need your advise,  I’ve managed to get along these 40+ years, what makes you think I need your help now. 

“I will not allow you to do anything else to put him in jeopardy.”

Do you know what she is talking about?  Cause I sure don’t.

If you get any insights let me know.

Love you--Mom